Tony Robbins & Marie Forleo: What It Takes To Have an Extraordinary Life

Tony Robbins & Marie Forleo: What It Takes To Have an Extraordinary Life

In this episode of MarieTV we do have some
adult language, so if you have little ones around grab your headphones now. Hey, it’s Marie Forleo and you are watching
MarieTV, the place to be to create a business and life you love. Now, a few months ago I
heard about an acclaimed filmmaker making a documentary about someone who I love and
admire and respect. So if you are someone who’s hungry to make your life as extraordinary
as possible, this show is for you. Toby Robbins is an entrepreneur, best selling
author, philanthropist, and the US’s number one life and business strategist. Author of
5 internationally bestselling books, Tony has empowered more than 50 million people
from a hundred countries through his audio, video, and life training programs. He’s
the subject of the feature documentary film: Tony Robbins: I Am Not Your Guru, that goes
behind the scenes of his seminar Date with Destiny to give an insider look at how one
man can affect millions. Tony, thank you so much for coming back on
the show. My pleasure, great to see you again. Yes. So I loved the film. It was extraordinary.
It brought me back to my experience at Date with Destiny a few years ago. So I wanna ask
you, I know you weren’t an instant yes to… No, I was not. …having this film happen and it took quite
a bit of time for you to agree to that. First, why did you say yes? What made you switch?
And what are you hoping that people take away from this film? Those are good questions. Well, the man who
approached me on it is Joe Berlinger, who’s, you know, one of the most award winning documentarians.
Like, 7 Emmys, 2 Academy Award nominations, 2 Peabody Awards. And I met him and I’d
seen the documentary he did of… the Metallica documentary, I don’t know if you’ve seen
it. Have you seen that one? I haven’t seen it. It’s brilliant. You see these metal guys
that are now coming of age and they’re trying to figure out how to navigate from where they
are to where they really want to be and their relationships and it’s just brilliantly
done. So I met him socially. A mutual friend of ours who created Billions introduced us.
And I just… You mean the show? Yeah, the show Billions. I love that show. Well, do you know Maggie, the coach there? Yes. I’ve… she came to me, interviewed me,
and that’s based on me. Not the sex scenes. Amazing. Not the dominatrix, but the rest of it. It’s
almost word for word stuff that I’ve done with the hedge fund guys that I manage. It’s
kind of fun. But, anyway, he introduced me, we met, and I just felt… Joe was, I think,
50 at the time, having a 50th birthday. And, you know, I know people and I could just sense
here’s this guy that’s done everything including save 3 people’s lives who were
on death row who were innocent. I mean, he spent 2 decades to do it. I just loved his
integrity and I think, you know, I’m 6’7” he’s like, you know… I don’t know, 5’6”
probably. You know, he’s Jewish, I’m not. He’s by his own description the most negative
human being, cynical because he’s dealt with the worst part of life for so long. New
Yorker. You know, I’m probably not. But what we had in common was this absolute commitment
to seeking out and finding the truth and bringing that truth to people. And he’s done it through
the medium of documentaries and I’ve done it through my medium. So I invited him to
come to the seminar, because I just wanted to help him. I didn’t have any intention other
than that. And he… the first day he wanted to run, the first hour, because he heard all
this music and people so happy it’s like this is not me. You know, and he’s freaking
out. I guess he called his wife is what he told me later and said, “How do I get out
of here without pissing Tony Robbins off? He’s been so nice to me and brought me out
here. I really like him, but I can’t handle this.” And she said, “Honey, stick around
for a few more hours.” And a few hours later, then by the next morning he was completely…
he had an experience that had transformed him. He said that he had had a lot of challenges
in his childhood and I did a process that for everybody is very powerful, but for him
he woke up and opened his eyes after this process, just tears pouring out like he’d
never felt in his life and he felt this huge burden come out of him and he said, “If
this could happen, I’m in for the 6 days. You know, I’ve never experienced anything
like this.” So he then approached me afterwards, thanked me profusely, and said changed his
life but how about we make this a documentary. And he just assumed I’m gonna go, “Heck
yeah, bring the cameras.” And I was like, “Joe, I really respect you but,” I said,
“it’s not the right venue.” Because you know… you know, you’ve been there.
We have cameras but it’s for projections, so, you know, it’s way back here. A documentary
has got the camera, you know, up here while you’re changing your life. I was like… I
said it’ll be too disruptive. And plus I couldn’t imagine how you could take 6 days
of 12, 14, 18 hour days and convert that into less than 2 hours and have it have integrity
and really have the spirit of it and actually teach somebody something and give them an
experience. But there’s a reason he’s got all those incredible awards. He’s just
a genius. So he worked on me for 2 years. About every 2, 3 months he’d come work on
me again and I said, “Joe, I love you. I respect you. But no.” And then he finally
came up with a great strategy. He said, “How about I’ll come in, I’ll film it, and
if at any time during filming it is really disruptive, you end it, I walk away, it’s
my responsibility, no burden on you.” And I said, “You’re willing to take that risk,
I’m in.” And he was brilliant. The cameras disappeared and people were transformed and
I’m grateful. Second question you asked I guess was what do I hope comes out of the
film? Yeah. I know what comes out of the film because
it’s been in 16 film festivals and I’ve gone to a bunch of them and… to watch people,
to feel people, to see what they’re experiencing. And what I love is, you know, people that
are my fans will love it if it’s black and white and, you know, and I give a few messages,
but… and people, the haters are gonna hate, like… Always. Like what’s her name says, you know, the
singer says. But that middle group, which is most of the world that thinks they know
what I do but really don’t, they’ve been so deeply moved because when you go to a great
film, you know, you become the character to some extent. You feel what the character feels.
And by doing that, just like when you’re at the event, you’ve experienced these changes
in yourself. And then what my real goal is is, you know, instead of just witnessing and
feeling it, is people get the insights that cause them to see that, you know, I don’t
have to settle. I don’t have to tolerate that life I have even if it’s good. I want great
and I want magnificent, I want outstanding and I can do it. And getting people to think
about what do I want for my life today? Not 10 years ago what I thought I wanted. Today.
And how do we make that happen? And I think, you know, most people we believe that change
takes forever and if it does happen fast it won’t last. And that’s true most of the
time, but when you actually change the priorities of your nervous system, when you rewire yourself
day in, day out, you know, 5, 6 days in a row and the environments we create, it lasts.
You get huge changes. You know it from your own experience. Yeah. But most people don’t know it. So when you
now witness these changes and there’s people in this film, as you know, that are in dire
straits. And we have people there that are the most successful in the world and they…
they sold their company for 200 million dollars and they’re bored and they’re looking,
what’s the next step? And you’ve got people there that are suicidal because in a room
of 2,500 people there’s always on average in any room of that size, there’s about
a half dozen or a dozen people who are suicidal. So you see these people change, you witness
it, you experience it, you’re inspired by it, and… last night we had a screening on
a rooftop area with it. They do it in a part of the city here, where there’s 850 people
there and people got up afterwards and shared and they were all so moving. There was one
women that had cancer and she said she felt like she was giving up and she said, “I’ve
been crying the whole film. This is giving me the answer. I know what I’m gonna do,”
and it just… it’s inspiring to see that. So normally I have to get up and work 50 or
80 or 100 hours to do that. Here, you know, it could be happening now because of Netflix
starting on Friday in 190 countries translated around the world and it’s just a great privilege. It’s awesome. I’m so… and that’s why
I was so… What’d you think of the film? I loved it. So I got a chance to watch it
while I was just away on vacation in Sicily and… You took a vacation? I took a 2 week vacation. I’m impressed, girl. I’m super… The workaholic took a vacation, ladies and
gentlemen. I think that’s an endorsement for taking care of yourself. This… it’s a new habit. And I’m, like,
totally with it. That’s awesome. And Josh and I actually watched it together
in bed in Salina… Ooh. And we were both like… we loved every minute
of it. And in one of the opening scenes there’s a gentleman that stands up, young man. Suicidal, yeah. Who was suicidal and, like, your heart stops
when you see that. And so I would love to just take a look at that clip right now. Let’s
have a look. Oh, awesome.
———- Why were you suicidal? It’s because I can feel very big states
in life but I can go so deep that I don’t see a way out. And I’m looking for a way
to… to get out of my body or to hate myself or to… I can’t explain it deep and I don’t
find a way out. What makes you hate yourself? Is it the red
shoes? What? Is it the red shoes? No. Are you sure? Because they’re fuckin’
red. Don’t you be smiling like that, you’ll fuck everything up. If you smile like that
too much you’ll wanna stick around. You’ve been so hard on yourself. I love that you
have such high standards, but those aren’t high standards, that’s called perfection.
And most people overestimate what they can do in a year and they underestimate what they
can do in 2 or 3 decades. And you haven’t been around long enough to have those extra
2 or 3 decades. So don’t fuck it up. There’s time. And if you’ll give yourself just a
little bit of time and if you’ll be a little more loving to yourself, I think you’re
going to find you’ve got a lot to give. I can fucking feel it. And I know fucking
people. And you know I do. That’s right. Thank you. And I know you right now. You feel me? Yes, I do. So you and I are gonna make a deal. I’m
gonna show you what to do to reshape yourself. That would be nice. And we’re gonna make it so you can enjoy
yourself. Are you sure? Not
just when you’re jerking off, other times
too. And what you’re gonna do is you’re gonna remember as long as you live that I
don’t fucking bullshit. And you’ve seen it, haven’t you? Yes. Do I tell the fucking truth? Even when it’s
painful? Even when it’s not sweet? Yes. I’m telling you the truth. You’ve just
fucking begun and you’re not gonna fuck it up. You’re gonna take the time to fully
develop and you’re going to find a way to enjoy a little bit along the way. There you
go. Do you feel that? Yes. What was that that just happened? What just
happened there when these came down like that? And you started breathing here too? Start believing you and be open.
———- So that was extremely powerful. I have 2 questions
about it. Yes. First, I want to take you back decades to
when you first started. You have such certainty when you go and have an intervention with
someone that you know you can change their lives. I’m curious, when you first had someone
stand up and say they were suicidal was it in a private client situation, was it in a
seminar? Take me back to what your psychology was when you first had someone in this state? Well, I learned when I was 17 or 18 I think
it was, I went and learned a series of tools. I learned Gestalt therapy, I learned Ericksonian
hypnosis, I learned neurolinguistic programming. And when I’d be in these classes I was obsessed
because I want to know everything. So when I was done with the class everybody else would
go to dinner and I would sit in that class for another 2 hours and write, rewrite everything
that I heard that I thought was valuable, like every distinction, every story, every
strategy, and then I’d try to figure out how to organize it in a way where I could
use all of those strategies to help so it wasn’t just information in my brain. And
as a result of that, I was… I developed skills other people didn’t do because I did
more. Right? And I kind of became the star of the class because the teacher of the class,
John Grinder, left one time and this person went into this horrific phobic response that
led to… you know, a phobic response is uncontrollable response to a fear. And the facilitator who
was there couldn’t handle it. And I was there first time student, I just stood up and I
was like, “Move.” And I just took over. And I did this work with this person and got
them out of suicidal state and then cured their phobia and as a result everybody was
like, you know, jaws were dropping. “How’d you do that?” It wasn’t how I did it,
I didn’t have any more skill than anybody else there. I just… there’s something
inside me that when I see somebody suffering, everything in me shows up and… and over
the decades, and it’s been many decades. 39 years now. Of course I started when I was
2. But sincerely, in 39 years, you know, I’ve had so many experiences that nothing is going
to surprise me now. There’s… there’s only a limited number of patterns human beings
have and our patterns will make us angry or sad or suicidal or they’ll make us passionate
or grateful or full of awe and beauty and love. And I know what those patterns are,
so I have certainty because it’s like, you know, tying your shoes. People say, “How
do you get up and speak for 50 hours without any notes?” Well, I’ve done it a few million
times. And so, you know, I’m confident tying my shoes because I’ve done it so much. I
might still have to stick my tongue out to the side, some… I’m a little… I’m
anchored to how I learned originally. But my point sincerely is it’s not like I’m
so superhuman. It’s like when you see someone who’s the best in the world at what they
do, they’re being rewarded in public for what they’ve practiced millions of times
in private. And so I keep making… I haven’t stopped. I keep learning, expanding, making
new distinctions. I mean, I get… I 2, 3 times a year I look for something to make
me grow. The last thing I did, it’s crazy. I finished a Date with Destiny in Australia,
I was exhausted, 7 days and nights, 6 days and nights. Really 10 because I work with
my trainers before that. And I flew straight home because the only opening in my schedule
was not a vacation time. I went for 6 days to this place in Sedona, Arizona where they
put 180 electrodes on your brain, it takes like an hour to put them on, they put you
in a room for 14 hours that’s pitch black and there is… it’s cold as hell, it’s
kind of what my seminars probably feel like for some people initially. And you learn how
to turn on the alpha part of your brain which, of course, not only makes you really happy
but you can solve anything in an alpha state. And so… and it’s hard and there’s these
sounds that are coming out of your brain because you’ve got this amplification, but, I mean,
I do that… the first day I wanted to say who do I have to kill to get out of this?
You know, because it’s like I’m exhausted and this is so painful. But I stick with it
because I know if I can develop that skill, I’m just gonna have that much more impact
with people. So for me, I’ve built the certainty by decades of producing the result, but in
the very beginning it was just this person is hurting and I’ve got to do something.
And that core aspect of me hasn’t changed to this day as it was back then, but I was
fortunate enough to succeed and figure things out and you build on success. Yes. And it’s not that I’ve never failed. I’ve
failed plenty of times. But not… if I fail with somebody I just do something else. If
that fails I do something else. It’s like I always say to people, how long do you give
your average child to learn how to walk before you cut them off and say, “You’re not
a walker.” “My kid is gonna keep trying until we learn to walk.” That’s why everybody
walks. So I just keep changing until I find the way. That’s really fascinating. I love the other
thing that I’ve witnessed you do in an intervention and it’s so much fun and you’ve done it
here too, is you will break someone’s pattern with humor. Yes. Or with some kind of shock that gets them
present or laughing or just kind of bewildered in a sense where they’re out of the habitual… Like you saw with that man, he’s suicidal.
I’ve got to break this pattern because in that state he’s not gonna create any solutions.
Right? So, you know, I look for something and in this case it was his red shoes. I play
off of it. It was awesome. Do you have anything, like
is there something like that that we can do for ourselves? You know, for someone watching
if they find themselves, “Wow, I always seem to go into this funk,” or, “I always
seem to get myself into this state.” Is there a way that we can break our own patterns
that can be helpful? There is. I think the first step is the awareness
that it is a pattern, that it is not you. It’s really hard to change yourself, it’s
easy to change a pattern. But when you’ve lived a pattern so often we get the illusion
that that’s me, that I’m, you know, a person that puts things off, you know, I’m
a procrastinator or I’m, you know, not aggressive or whatever it is. And we have all these aspects
of our life, some of which are more developed than others but they’re in there. So I think
being aware of the pattern, its limit is step one and then step two is breaking it. But
people can break their pattern easily, they just don’t not only because they’re in it
but because most people have never decided to say, “I’m not going to tolerate this
in myself anymore.” So awareness is step one, step two is raising the standard and
going, “This just isn’t me. This is not what I stand for. This is not good for my
kids. This is not good for my husband or wife. This is not good for… it’s not good for
me.” And then putting a line in the sand that says this ends here now. And then how
to break your pattern, there’s a million ways to break your pattern. I mean, you know, I
do things off the cuff. One woman I had, she was so depressed and so messed up and suicidal.
I said, “Stand up.” I said, “You have a new phrase I want you to do. I want you
to do this 5 times. I am… thank God I’m not a cockroach in Bulgaria.” I mean, I
just pull shit outta my… nowhere. Right? And she said, “What?” I said, “Scream
it!” And so in the beginning she’s like… and at the end of the time she’s screaming
and she’s laughing I’m not a cockroach… thank God I’m not a cockroach in Bulgaria.
Now she’s changed. Now we can go on to make the change. Because all lasting change happens
in an altered state. See, most of us think of hypnosis like people say, “You can’t
hypnotize me,” and they’re usually in a trance when they’re telling me that. I
don’t hypnotize anybody. I dehypnotize them. We’ve been hypnotized by our culture to
settle for things. We’ve been hypnotized by our past to think of ourselves as being
limited when we’re not. And so what I really try to do is I alter people’s state because
in an altered state you’ll do a… just knowing, most of us know what doesn’t work
and what works. Most of us know when we’re screwing up. Most of us know what we should
do, but we don’t do it. And the reason is because in that state of mind you’re not
going to. If you want I can go on a rant on my highest level mission right now. Yes, please. Ok, ok. So for decades my obsession has been,
you know, what makes the difference in people. Right? Why do some people, you give them everything,
love, joy, tremendous education, economic well being, and they end up going in and out
of rehab all day long. How many actors, actresses, wealthy people have you seen do this? It’s
sad. And then there are people that life has just beat the hell out of. Right? It’s been…
people have gone through physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional, spiritual abuse, and many
of those people rather than being broken become so hungry, so driven because they don’t want
anybody else to experience that, I’m an example of that, that they become masterful
in things. Right? But along the way I was like, ok, so what am I really about? I said,
I’m really… my real mission is to help people get what they really want and help
them have what I would call, you know, you might say I wanna lose weight, I wanna make
more money, you know, I wanna have a better relationship, but what people really want
is an extraordinary life, a magnificent life, which to me is life on your terms. Not Tony’s
terms, not your friend’s terms, not your… not even your spouse’s terms. Like, what
is going to light you up in this life? And once people know what that is you need two
skills to get there. One I’ve taught for decades, the science of achievement. And,
you know, you know me well enough and I know you well enough that we both have been obsessive
about finding the strategies that can help people get the result they want faster than
they ever have. And you’re brilliant at it and I’m really good at it and we have
a lot of friends that are really good at it. But most people can figure that out. We can
help them do it faster. And I think that’s a great service and I love being able to do
that and I love knowing answers that can help people so quickly. But the… it’s a science
to achieve, meaning if you’re… if you look around, and, you know, I wrote a book,
I think you know, about a year ago. I spent 4 years on it and I wanted to answer the question,
how do I help people financially in a world where most people are suffering? Especially
with the markets in turmoil. And I thought, I don’t have those answers. I have some answers.
The people with the best answers, the ones you should go, go. If you want to achieve
something, find somebody getting the result you want and model them. Success leaves clues,
go find out. Right? My original teacher Jim Rohn taught me that. I never forgot it. So
I went out and interviewed 50 of the smartest financial people in the world. Everybody from
Warren Buffett, Carl Icahn and I found the common patterns. If you live by these patterns,
you’ll have more than enough money. You may not be a billionaire, but you’ll have
more than enough money. If you violate these rules, the science, you’re gonna have too
much month at the end of the money, you’re gonna be stressed out. Same thing with your
body. We’re all biochemically unique, but there are rules you and I both know scientifically
that if we violate them our energy drops and we’re going to have disease, if we align
with them, high energy. So that’s the science of achievement. Get there quicker, how do
you do it? One, obsess about what you want. Right? Focus on it continuously, have so much
emotion about it that you take massive action. Keep changing your approach, model somebody
really great, and then with some grace… takes some grace too. Yeah. Some call it luck. Some call it God. If you
do the first 3 steps, that fourth step usually kicks you over. But the more important lesson
and the one that I’m obsessed by getting into people’s minds, I really appreciate
you planting the seed with everybody, the one that’ll change your life more is the
art of fulfillment. And I say the art of fulfillment because what will turn you on, excite you,
fulfill you is gonna be different than this man here who I know is your friend behind
the camera, and this beautiful lady here. It doesn’t matter how close we are, we all
still are fulfilled by slightly different things. And so what I really want is I believe
that success without fulfillment is the ultimate failure and I really want people to be fulfilled
even more so because billionaires, that sounds ridiculous, but they’re a dime a dozen.
Now, that’s an exaggeration meaning lots of people become billionaires. What’s a
hell of a lot more rare is someone who loves life every single day and stays happy when
it doesn’t go their way. There’s nothing worse than an angry rich man, an angry rich
woman. You want to slap them, you know. Like, they have every benefit in life, but that’s
what the human mind does. The human brain is 2 million years old and this is not designed
to make you happy. It’s designed to make you survive. And survival, it does it by fear.
So what the brain does is looks for what do I need to fight or flight from? And so it’s
always looking for what’s wrong and our minds can take us over unless your heart is
what’s running you. So what I try to do is show people how to shift that and I try
to do it two ways. One is I jolt them. One way you can do that is about two years ago,
you know, we lost what I consider to be a national treasure, Robin Williams. Yes. How much did you enjoy or love Robin Williams? He was incredible. And I broke… when I heard
that news, it was just like everything stopped and it was devastating to think also that
he took his life. Well, if you think about it, here’s a guy…
I met him once, I was at a TED talk and he loved it. And it was my birthday and he came
and he stood in a restaurant, surprised me, and started singing happy birthday to me as
a Jewish woman, as a Russian, all these things. He was such a beautiful soul and I’ve never
lost to suicide and I had no idea that years later that’s where he’d be and he never
reached out to me. So… but here’s why I bring it up. Here’s a man that was a master
of the science of achievement. He knew how to take whatever he envisioned and make it
real. He wanted to have his own TV show, everyone told him it was impossible. He did it. He
wanted the number one show, Mork and Mindy, he did it. He wanted a beautiful family, he
did it. He wanted to make more money than he could ever spend, he did it. He wanted
to make movies, he did it. He wanted to make movies and win an Academy Award for not being
funny, his number one skill, and he did it. Right? He wanted to make the whole world laugh
and he did it. And he didn’t just kill himself, he hung himself in his own home. Now, I’ve
spent the last year I was in China, Beijing, I was in Japan, I was in Brazil, I was in
Australia, I’ve been in Toronto. Everywhere I’ve gone I’ve asked people this question
[inaudible]. I say, “Tell me something, how many of you love this man? Don’t raise
your hand if you like him.” 95% of the room all over the world, every country I’ve been
to, says they loved him. I said, was he a master of the science of achievement? Clearly
he was. So what happened? How does a man kill himself, leave millions of people, maybe hundreds
of millions of people, around the world that loved him, but more importantly his own family,
his children and his wife? The reason is because he suffered. He suffered, he used drugs, used
alcohol as a way to try to escape suffering. And if you would’ve asked me a year and
a half ago, we’ve been friends for a while, do you suffer? I mean, suffer, I’d be like
what are you talking about? Right? I have the most magnificent life, you know, I’ve
got 18 companies, we do 5 billion in sales and 7 different industries. I have a mission
that I love as much as I possibly can. I have 4 beautiful children, I have an incredible
wife, I have total freedom. And I would be totally authentic in telling you all of that.
But I wouldn’t use the word suffering just like achievers don’t think they have fear. Yeah. And you know, I’ve shared with you before,
like, stress is the achiever word for fear. I’ve never fearful, I’m just stressed.
Well, if I follow your stress it’ll take me to your fear. So what I found is I suffered
because suffering, there’s only 2 states you can live in. Two types. Beautiful states
of being, happiness would be one, but if you just try to be happy all the time it’s not
real. You know, some people smile so much their face hurts. It’s a beautiful thing,
but our nervous system needs variety in our nervous system. So think of it this way, beautiful
states could be awe, it could be love, it could be passion, it could be a courageous
moment, it could be being driven, it could be happy. But in those states no one has to
tell you what to do and you always treat yourself and others in the right way and no one has
to tell you to because in that state you just do the right thing. Those states. The other
states we can live in are suffering states. And I have a good friend named Christian and
I was in India with him and we’re having this discussion. He goes, “You know, you
talk about peak states and, you know, lousy states.” He goes, “I look at those as
suffering and beautiful states.” And so I was like, “So suffering would be frustration,
anger, overwhelm, stress, worry, loneliness, depression. There’s a range of them.”
And I would… I wasn’t depressed, but I would be of course pissed off or frustrated
or overwhelmed at times and I just, that’s part of life. Right. Here’s what I believe today, that’s not
part of life. That’s the mind that if you don’t manage it, you can have everyone loving
you, you can have the most beautiful family, you can have 20 Academy Awards, you can have
all the money you can spend, and you’re still going to be in pain. So my invitation
to those viewers who are watching this, and to you as a dear friend, is to raise the bar
on what we call suffering so you see it for what it is and to realize that you can free
yourself from it. And it’s not some ethereal, spiritual thing from India to do that, it’s
just I think life is too short to suffer. And so I realize my happiness was really cheap.
And, you know, let me explain. I’d be happy all the time, but then I would leave my happiness
as soon as, you know, this little device would go off because when you’ve got 1,200 employees
on 3 continents, what are the chance that someone is screwing up right now? Always gonna be happening. There’s always
gonna be something that you can get upset over or there’s the opportunity to get stressed,
to get angry, get pissed, to be like, “Ugh.” Or worried or concerned or… there’s varying
levels, right? Totally. All forms of suffering. So I was like if I’m
willing to give my happiness up for that because I think everything has to be a certain way,
I think people have to behave a certain way so that we can change the world, all this
internal pressure that I have to make everything perfect all the time, help everybody, you
know, before I die. Whatever is in the back of my head there. And what I began to realize
is I’m not living when I let this take that away. This should be one of additional tools
to maybe to connect me at times, but… and so now when that stuff happens I just let
it go. And that… for an achiever, that’s the hardest thought in your mind. Everything
is a breakthrough. Right? But problems need energy to live. And some things, you just
don’t give them an energy, they’re much easier to solve. Plus it’s easier to solve
something in a beautiful state than in a pissed off, freaked out state. Now, some of us get
pissed off and speeds us up and, you know, we find the answers, but there’s a better
way. There’s a more elegant way. There’s a most… more beautiful way to live. Yes. And I think you embody a good portion of this,
but I’d be willing to bet since you’re human that you have suffering states. Oh, man. Of course I do. What do you go through? It’d be good for
people who follow you to see that vulnerability in you as well, and I’d love you to share
it. I just wrote about this last week because
I… when I was in Sicily. So, you know, again, taking vacations is a new habit for me and
when we were there I really got to see and I wrote a little bit about this, was how wound
up I get and how irritated I get with Josh over stupid shit that doesn’t matter. Exactly right. And… and it was so cool because it was so
great because I was not only watching your film… Yes. And you know how much I love and appreciate
your work and I consider myself a lifelong student. I’m always looking to learn and
grow. And I really… it was almost like an out of body experience where I was starting
to see, wow, these are some of the patterns that I have that I get in our intimacy…
like, I will stop the intimacy because I need to control everything including his state
and my state and how… like, it was so awesome. And it was amazing the healing that could…
that happened just out of slowing down and just out of being willing to look and not
needing to be right. And also getting really… Do you want to be right or do you want to
be in love? Yes. Those are your choices. And being really honest and having a level
of discussion, you know, for Josh and I where I was like, “Hey, this is how I feel. This
is what happens,” but it wasn’t being delivered through this angry, combative state. Yeah. It was actually a discussion and we had curious
moments of how can we take better care of each other. That’s beautiful. And so… So deep in the relationship, doesn’t it? Because
as deep and as beautiful as your relationship may be, there’s another level. Always. Because when you’re not suffering, there’s
nothing in the way. Because everyone is a great communicator when things are going well. Yes. But when people get pissed off, frustrated,
fearful, worried, everybody’s a shitty communicator then. And bad communication creates bad relationships. Yeah. And so we were having this really fun
time on the trip going, ok, here’s another opportunity to peel the onion where we would
catch ourselves going into a habitual friction point and we would slow it down. It’s a pattern. Totally. And we’d slow it down and him…
both of us, we’re great jokers and we… comedy is, like, just a part of our lives. That’s one of your patterns. That’s beautiful. Yes. And so we had a chance to do that and
by the end of the trip we were like, oh my God, we feel like we’re new humans. That’s awesome. It was… but to your point, it’s like they’re…
I love finding these ways. I get excited to find my patterns because I really do believe
in everything that you just shared and there’s no reason for us… I was saying it to, I
don’t know, Louise, I think it was you behind when I was getting dressed. Or Greg, actually.
You were asking, you’re like, what really did you discover? And I was telling him the
same thing. There’s always this other level. So I know where you’re going. I think the most important thing for this
so that people practically apply it as I hear you applying it 100% and I’m not surprised
based on who you are. But I think it really comes down to measuring it. You know, you
can’t manage something you don’t measure. If you’re in business and you don’t measure
your numbers, you’re gonna be out of business. You may not care about that, but you have
to. Otherwise you can’t run it. It’s also true with your personal life, it’s also
true with your emotional life. So we… my wife Sage and I, we are… and my family all
have come up with this approach in the last year and a half, we call it our 90 second
rule. And it’s not you have 90 seconds to get your shit together. Like if we were together
and you’re my friend and you’re suffering, I’m not gonna do something and make you
wrong or say, “You’ve got 90 seconds.” I just say, “you know, I don’t know if you’re
feeling some stress or some pain right now, but I’m here for you if I can help.” But,
you know, there’s a choice. Once we know there’s a choice. And so in 90 seconds since
no one is pressuring you, what we really realize is all the stuff that was stressing that you
just thought you were believing in in those moments. Like believing he had to be this
way or he shouldn’t do this or you should do something different. And whenever we should
all over ourselves, whenever we judge someone or ourselves, it doesn’t make it better. So
what I’ve done is just like… have you ever thought, “I wanna kill this son of
a bitch.”? Of course. And I know he feels the same. Yeah. And so you haven’t loved until you’ve
had that thought. Right? So but when I tell people this, you have that thought but you
didn’t kill anybody because you didn’t believe the thought. Thoughts… when people think
I’m having these thoughts, you’re not having these thoughts. These thoughts have
been around for millions of years. The millions of years that you’re an asshole, I hate
you, or you should do something different, I should do something different. Those thoughts
have been around in the ether. If I would have told you 100 years ago we were gonna
have a little device that was this size and you could push a button and talk to someone
on the other side of the earth because it would capture invisible waves and bring it
into this box, you’d say you’re insane. If you said you were going to go to the moon
and back you were a lunatic. Thoughts are vibration. They’ve been around forever.
This is not corny bullshit, it’s the truth. And when you change the way you use your body
in some way, down, excited, cranking, it’s like turning the channel on the TV. Turn one
channel and what you’re gonna bring down is invisible waves of a horror story. Turn
another one, it’s a comedy. Another one, it’s a romance. So when you learn to trigger
this and you realize your thoughts are not your thoughts, what I’ve become humored
by is a thought goes by that used to stress me out, I go, “Oh, look. Another thought
going by. Look at that little thing. Isn’t that interesting? Isn’t that fascinating?
I’m not letting… I’m not believing this. I know it’s bullshit. I know what matters
is this, not all that other bullshit. And I’m committed to living in a beautiful state
for me and those that I love.” And the more you do it, you build muscle and it becomes
easier and… in the beginning it should’ve been the 4 day rule, or the 4 hour rule to
be more accurate probably. Because we don’t only have days, but we have some bad half
days, I’ll tell you that. Some bad evenings at times. And now it’s like… I wouldn’t
say it’s effortless because things show up, but it doesn’t last. And that freedom
is what most people are looking for who are sitting and meditating because I love meditation.
I do a little meditation process myself in the mornings, but you meditate, you’re in
a great state, and then shit happens and the mind takes over and meditation is gone. If
you’ve gotta keep meditating all the time, you don’t have a life. So meditation is a
nice set point, but what I’ve decided is that benefit of the meditation is I use that
energy to slice through anything that will make me or others that I care about really
unhappy by understanding the truth. And here’s the truth. All of your upsets in that situation,
correct me if I’m wrong, were based on expectations you had for him and for you. Of course. And the problem with expectations is they
put you in a box, they put the people you love in a box. And we can’t help but have
expectations, it’s what the mind does. But you can free yourself by expectations when
you trade your expectations for appreciation. I always tell people, trade your expectation
for appreciation and that moment your whole life changes. So I’m on my way, I’m fortunate
enough now to have my own private jet, it was an unbelievable gift, but most of my life
I chartered or when I went overseas it was too expensive, right. So, you know, you’ll
fly to Australia, I now have an intercontinental jet I can do it. But in those I’d take the
plane. I’d go on Qantas Airlines and the stress in getting on Qantas Airlines, the
stress, what used to make me stress was like, “Oh, my God. We’ve got 14 hours and I’m
disconnected to all the companies and people need to talk to me and all that stuff.”
Because, you know, commercially in the US you’re connected to the internet, but Australia
weren’t. So one time I get on the plane a few years ago and they announce, “We have
internet,” and it was like God had descended into the plane. People are cheering, people
are, like, high fiving, it was just the most… “Thank God we’re connected to Instagram
for 14 hours.” You know, it was just the silliest thing that we are as humans today
because, you know, we don’t feel like we can live without this stuff. And… and I was
just like them. I was like, “Oh, this is the greatest thing.” And within 15 minutes
you can predict what happened, right? Didn’t work. Didn’t start again the whole 14 hours
and people were like, “This is bullshit,” and this… and people were angry. 15 minutes
earlier it was a miracle, now it’s already an expectation. That’s our lives today.
We live in a world where we expect so much because so much is available to us that we’re
missing out on the joy. So my goal is real simple. I want to live the happiest human
life humanly possible because I know in that state I’m better for every human I can serve,
including myself. Life’s too short to suffer. And so I’ve made a decision and I created
a bunch of tools to help people shift out of that suffering real fast so they know how
to do it. But the essence of it is I stop, I breathe in my heart, slow it down, same
thing, slow it down, see the thought go by, get a little curious about it, don’t let it
connect me, and I breathe in my heart. As I’m feeling that, then I start to think
about what can I appreciate, because there’s always something wrong and what’s wrong
is always about, so is what’s right. And all you’ve got to do is look for it and
find it. And when you find it and it’s real, it’s not some affirmation, it’s not some
positive bullshit, it’s I really do appreciate this, I’m really connected to this, I’m
finding joy in this moment. That’s my job. When you do that again and again and again,
it gets… it’s a positive addiction. And then as great as the life I’ve had has been
and all the people I’ve helped, the liberation that creates is the liberation that most spiritual
teachers are talking about, but it’s pragmatic. You don’t have to go live in a cave to do
it. You’re living your life like you and I do and helping people and living your life
with your family, but you’re getting the rewards now, not some day. So it… it’s
like trying to describe what a rose smells like to someone who’s not, you know, smelled
it or tasted it yet. And my hope is that I can hook you into really considering making
the most important decision of your life, which is I will not suffer anymore. If it
comes up, end it within 90 seconds. Maybe in the beginning it takes me 20 minutes, but
I’m gonna get better and better until I am that. It isn’t phony, it isn’t fake,
it isn’t placating, it’s just knowing that life is so beautiful and rich and I’m
not gonna miss out on it. And it’s changed my life, it’s my passion. I adore you and I think you’re clearly you’re
one of the people in the world… the reason I wanted to do this too and, you know, we’re
not… usually we shoot MarieTV and we do it on these, like, little chunks because we
batch everything. But when this came in I was like I have to talk with Tony because
every time I talk with you I feel like I get more grounded in myself. Oh, you’re very kind. I love that you’re
already doing this with your man and if you take it… if you measure it more now. Yeah. And if you not only measure it more, but you
reward yourself for the little victories, as beautiful as your life is, I can promise
you even for you it will be even more. And that would make me very happy because I care
deeply about you because I know you care about so many people. Thank you. I want to continue on with an idea
that you talk about in the film called the idea of each one teach one and how this work
can spread. And I know we’re doing a bit of that right now. What does that idea mean
to you? Well, every time I do something I’m always
trying to figure out how do I produce leverage out of this? How do I scale this? How do I
help more people with this? And so, you know, that’s why I do the videos and pieces that
I do of that nature because in the modern world we can scale that way. That’s why
we made this documentary so people… I can only see 2,500 in an intimate setting like
that where I read everybody’s form, you know, 20 pages beforehand for days and days
and days. I can only do so many, but I can have millions of people get a taste of that,
make changes. Right? Yeah. So… but I think when you look at each one
teach one, I think what it really means to me is every time I go there if I can penetrate
this person’s life and really get them to shift where they own it, where they don’t
just make the change but they understand how they did it and why they did it, then that
person can now go out and do that with their family or their friends and then you get this
gigantic multiplied effect. Otherwise you’re limited to what you can physically do with
the hours in the day. And I’m able to do a lot, you know, I get, you know, 8, 10 thousand
people at my Unleash the Power Within events now, which is exciting. But, you know, the
challenge is like we go to cities and there aren’t… some cities they don’t have more
than 10 thousand seats. Right? You’re just at your max, so I had to look at it and say
how do we do more? So I’m doing everything I can to empower each individual to not only
make their own changes, but then go back and take those and help someone else. I love it. And, you know, we have so many
folks in the helping profession who watch the show. I know that, a lot of coaches. A lot of coaches, teachers, everyone. And
even folks that aren’t necessarily in those professions but they have a desire. Yeah.
In their heart. They want to have a great life and they want to do everything that they
can to help someone else. One of the key questions that I’ve seen you ask in interventions
multiple times and it’s always fascinating because I see you disarm people and it gets
them thinking in this new way. And I’m curious if this question, if we ask it now if people
in the audience at home can find value for themselves. I’ll hear you ask, whose love
did you crave more? Your mother or your father? Can you speak a little bit to that line of
questioning and what it can help someone discover? Let me say why I ask the question. Everything
you and I do as human beings we do based on a set of beliefs, a set of values, a set of
rules. We have a set of expectations, we have a projection of how people should treat us,
about how we should be, about what our body should be like or how we should be doing financially
at this stage of our life. And so all those beliefs and values and rules I know how to
find those with precision, but as a general you can just call them your blueprint. Ok?
Where does the blueprint come that tells you you should feel bad about doing something
or not doing something or good about it? It comes first when you’re first born. You’re
wide open as a baby. What can you feel? What can you do? You can do anything. You can go
to the bathroom in your pants and you’ll still be loved. Try that when you’re 50,
see if it works for you. You can do anything and you’re gonna be loved. Right? But then
gradually, very quickly, the oxytocin in your mother, and perhaps in your father as well,
that makes her love you even though you look like a lizard as a child when you’re a brand
new baby and you’ve got no teeth and you’re fat and you’re still loved, the oxytocin
wears off. When it wears off, fear enters our body. Because suddenly someone else used
to put all their needs behind ours make us first, that’s how we survive. Right? Now
I’ve gotta behave a certain, I’ve got to be a certain way to get their love or attention?
And human beings, our survival is dependent upon someone else caring for us at that stage.
We can’t take care of ourselves like an animal that has horns or beaks or, you know,
or claws or camouflage to hide. Our competitive advantage is love. And so when you look at
that you go, ok, well, where does my model of what I should and shouldn’t do come from?
Why do I have all this stress that says I have to work all the time and I have to do
all of this all the time? It comes from the source of love in your life that starts to
teach you how you need to be to have that significance and love when they oxytocin wears
off and they’re not loving you 24/7 for no reason. And so I asked people, whose love
did you crave most? Not who do you love more, whose love did you crave more? Your mother
or father? Assuming they’re alive. Or your grandmother if your father wasn’t alive
or whoever is with you. And who was it for you? My dad. Cool. That makes sense to me. Tell me, who
did you have to be for your father? And don’t… I know you won’t edit intellectually, but
just tell me the first thought that comes to your mind. I had to be…? Like, cheerful and a hard worker. Ok, cheerful and a hard worker. I had to be…? Fun and entertaining. Ok. Now, I want you to notice her face even.
Fun. It’s that forced fun even when it isn’t fun that makes it inauthentic. And you’re
an authentic person, but I have to be up, I have to be those things. What else did you
have to be for your father? Well, he… my dad, who’s amazing and still
alive and I love him, he didn’t ever demand much from me, but because he worked so much
I always kind of wanted to get his attention. So I didn’t feel like he made demands of
me, but those were all the kind of things that I tried to do to get… find connection
with him. That’s right. So it was implied. He didn’t
ask it of you, but it was implied by his behavior. So many times people don’t say things and
many times we misinterpret what people want from us, but we believe it at that stage and
it shapes our life. So you’re supposed to be happy, cheerful, you have to be a hard
worker, you’ve got, I assume, probably smart. Is that true? Yeah. Yes, right? You have to be successful, was
that one? Yeah. And you’re all those things. Yeah. Pretty cool. Your dad gave you a beautiful
gift. However, with every gift comes a limitation and the limitation, they have to be all those
things all the time has also produced in you stress. Now, you handle it incredibly well
and I’m not placating you. You know how I feel about you. And now just feel about
you as a friend, but how much I respect you. So you’ve constantly done that and a lot
of that came from what your father imprinted with you. Absolutely. But there are places where you’re not so
happy, where you’re not so positive. There are places where you’re not feeling that
smile, you know, the glee smile. And to have to do that or feel bad about yourself because
unconsciously your belief is if I don’t do that I won’t be loved, and that’s the
oxygen of my life by the most important source. So what happens is we believe… like, mine
was my mom. So my mom, I had to be strong, I had to support her when I was a boy, a little
child. I had to go to the grocery store starting at 5 and get the food and make the meal. I
had to go to the pharmacist and convince him to give her more valium because she lost hers,
not knowing she was just abusing the drug. I mean, I became very resourceful because
I wanted to please my mom, I wanted to make her happy, I had to be a good boy, I had to
always be nice, I had to be quiet when I was supposed to be, you can imagine how hard that
was for me. But I had to do all those things. Right? And I became all those things. But
I’m also an intense mother you know what. I’m also a committed crazy son of a bitch.
And those weren’t things my mom wanted, but I had to be those for her. So what I do,
I pretend they’re not there. I convince myself I’m not like that. So I’ll give
you one simplistic example, might be helpful. I am obsessed with being a giver. Not positioning
so, I don’t give a shit if people know it, it’s who I am. It’s how I feel good about
me. My mom implanted that. It’s a beautiful gift. But when you always have to be a giver,
I had no money and I’d take people to lunch and I’d order an iced tea. I was starving,
but because I had to be the giver. I had to buy the lunch for them. I had no money, but
I would do it. Always having to. And as a result, in my early years in business I kept
attracting people that took advantage, stole from me, did things. And I would be so upset,
what’s going on here? And what it was is it matched me. I needed to give, so people
who were willing to receive showed up and they would take everything they had. And one
day I had a man, I’ll never forget, I went to get the check, this was early in my life
and career, financially at least. And he was a very wealthy guy and I picked his brain.
And I went to go get the check, right? He’s worth a billion times more than I was. And
he grabbed the check away and he physically smacked my hand. Like, hard enough that it
hurt. It jolted me. He broke my pattern, right? And I’m like, “What the hell?” He goes,
“Are you trying to steal away all my joy of buying lunch for you? Are you that selfish
that you’re going to take away that… try and take that joy? I’m not going to let
you do it. I’m buying lunch.” And I remember staring at him and I was so shocked. He did
such a good job of doing what he… he put me in an altered state. Right? Just shocked
me. And I was like, “Wow, I never even thought about it that I’m taking by being the giver.”
And so what I began to realize is I don’t want to be a taker. I hate that aspect that
shows up in so many people. But if I don’t allow people to give then I’ve robbed them
of the gift that I have. And so… it’s so ironic because now in my life I’ve learned
to receive because everywhere I go, I show up at a restaurant someone sends over a note
thanking me. They bought me lunch, they bought me dinner. Where were you people when I was
broke? Like, I could’ve used it then. I don’t need it. But now I let them do it and I come
and express gratitude. Some people are really cool, they don’t even tell me who they are.
The waiter will say they won’t tell you who they are, they just… you’ve changed
their life, they don’t want to interrupt you. Such an unbelievably classy thing, but I really,
I want to thank them. But I’ve learned to just take it in and know that it’s giving
them a gift like I have. My wife loves to sleep, my wife loves to eat. I don’t sleep,
I don’t eat. Right? So why am I telling you this? Because those are my patterns. Her patterns
are different. And because I’ve loved her I’ve learned to, like, stay in bed a little
longer, I’ve learned to eat a little bit more. But she’s probably saved my life in
some ways. Because I love her I’ve opened my world from being a certain way. It isn’t
this one model now. One of my sons, I’ll finish with this example, I have 4 children
and they’re all adults now and I’m so proud of all of them. But one of my sons,
my youngest sons, I was always worried about him because he had a heart of gold. He’s
made of the same stuff you are, I am, just amazing. A contribution driven kid, beautiful
soul. No exaggeration. Not just because he’s my son, anyone would know that’s who he
is. But early, years ago, he just had no work ethic. Like, you know, I grew up with nothing.
We didn’t go to the family island that we own, we didn’t go on a private jet. I was
[inaudible]. If I could make it to LA it was a big deal. You know? And so it produced in
him not the same level of hunger to drive or grow. He still cared about people. And
I’d always be worried. I mean, trying to intervene on him. And I can intervene on anybody,
but the difference is I was hooked because if I die I don’t… money is not it. I want
him to be a proud human being. And he’s… I don’t use my name and I’d show up at a
concert and there he was backstage and then, I won’t use the name of the group, but they’d
say, “Oh, it’s your son.” And everybody wants to do something for my son as a way
of giving me something. I don’t want them to give my son anything, I want him to earn
everything. I would be so stressed out. And then I didn’t want to have to come to Jesus
meetings. And I’m like what is going on here. And then one day I thought what if…
what if I’m supposed to learn from him? What if it’s not about me teaching him,
what if there’s something in me that needs to change that’s so intense? And I thought,
what skill does he have that I don’t have? And I thought, chillin’. He knows how to
chill. I don’t know how to chill. And I thought to myself, you know, I love that I
have the work ethic I do. I love that I’m so driven. I love that I wanna help every
human I can. And someone stops me on the street and I’m there always. But, man, living that
way is pretty stressful on the body. It can wear you out and can make you not be there
with somebody else because you’re busy trying to solve everything all the time. And I thought,
you know, maybe instead of trying to make him be a certain way, maybe… I don’t wanna
be lazy. I will never be that. I’m incapable of that. But maybe I need to let go just a
little bit and relax, like your two weeks. Maybe that’s the gift here. And so I literally
changed my approach from being worried about him that I brought him in and I said, “I
need to talk to you son.” And he was like, you know, “Oh, we’re gonna have another
one of those talks.” You could just see his face, like I just read his mind. Right?
And I looked him in the eye and I just said, “I have to apologize to you.” And he said,
“What?” And I said, “I’ve got to apologize to you.” I said, “I’ve been so worried
because I want you to be… have everything you want in your life and I know work ethic
is such a huge part of that and I know you have a work ethic, but it’s not my insane
level.” But I said, “I realize you don’t need my insane level. You’re not starting
where I started from.” And I said, “So I realize, you know, I’ve had these conversations,
I hate having these conversations with you. I know you hate having them with me when I’m
trying to coach you to get more work ethic and you’ve probably felt insulted by it.
And you do things easier. You look for the easier way, sometimes the strategic way.”
And I said, “So I want you to know I really apologize for that,” but I said, “I want
to learn from you. I realize you’re in my life not only as my son but to teach me too.”
And you can see this quizzical look on his face. And I said, “I think there’s a skill
you have that I need.” And he had this shocked look on his face, I’ll never forget it,
and he goes, “What’s that, dad?” And I said, “Chillin’.” And he started to
laugh out loud and then he looked at me like this must be a technique. You’re gonna manipulate
me with this or something. I can read his mind, I know him like the back of my hand.
Right? My son. So he goes… I said, “I’m serious.” He goes, “Dad, no, you are not
good at chillin’.” I said, “No, so coach me. How do you do this chillin’ thing? What
do you do?” And he goes, “Well, you just sit.” Sit? And we had the most funny, beautiful
conversation. Here’s why I tell you this story, I love my son so much, I’m so proud
of him as a human being. When I stopped pushing, put your fist up. If I push you like this. Yes. What are you doing? I didn’t tell you to push
back. That’s what all humans do, right? I push on you, you push back. So instead of
pushing on him I let go and, as a result, he’s coming towards me. Right? And what
happened was I was sincere, I worked at it. I’m still not a master of chillin’. I’m
not as good a master as he is at chillin’. I don’t think I’ll ever be. But I have that
skill, which my wife loves now. Because I can turn off, like, people say he’s turned
on all the time. It’s just me. I’m not turned on, it’s who I am. But the ability
to let go at a different level has been invaluable and I’ve done things I’ve never done in
my life before like chill with my wife in different ways, and she loves it. So it’s
truly been a gift but what’s amazing was I had no more conversations with him about
work ethic, and what do you think magically happened in about, I don’t know, 3, 4 months?
It’s like a work ethic exploded in him. You know, it’s just because… because now…
it’s like I think God, the universe, life, whatever you want to call it, infinite intelligence,
I think God puts people in our lives always for a reason and the reason when we feel irritated
is so that we can become more whole. So we can go from when we were wide open and now
we can only be this way and this is who I am, this is who I have to be, to we don’t
have to be all those other ways at once, but where you can embrace receiving, where you
can let go and not think you have to solve everything for your son or daughter right
now and that it’s ok if they make mistakes and learn and grow. Or that I can learn something
from them. And when the pressure was no longer there, when I realized God keeps putting these
things in your life until you conquer them, and it’s conquering inside you not outside
you, I couldn’t… I’ve always been, I love my son and I’m close to my son, but our
relationship has transformed and I’m so proud of him. And, you know, he met a woman,
now he’s married to and now he’s, like, got a different reason to work and he’s…
and, I mean, he’s phenomenal. Same heart he always had, but he’s got the work ethic
too and I didn’t do shit. All I did was let go. So that’s… I know most of your viewers
are achievers, right? They’re so striving, they’re such good people, that’s why I
wanted to do this conversation with you. I think you’d be served if you could just
ask yourself what is it I have to do all the time and where’d it come from? Whose love,
if you’re listening, whose love did I crave the most? My mother, father, or if they were
passed away my grandfather, aunt, uncle? Whoever’s with you. And who did you have to be for that
person? Here’s another one, who could you never be for your father? Oh, goodness. Who could I never be? You could never be…? I don’t even know. Like, gosh. I’m drawing
a blank, I feel so bad right now. Don’t feel bad. Who could I never be? It’s not how it normally works. You’re
a moving towards person. I am a moving… I know that about you, that’s why I’m
doing this. I want you to dig. Ok. If you’re willing to. Of course. 100%. Who could I never…? I could never be…? Just don’t filter, just
first. I could never be…? Sad. Good. I could never be, like, kind of pissy. Yeah. I could never be… like, I just have this
ability to figure things out, so I don’t think I could ever really be confused or, like,
helpless. So are there times when you’ve been sad? Oh, yeah. Are there times you’ve been pissy? Yes. If I asked your man, he would say yes. Oh, absolutely. At times. No, of course. So the point of the matter is when you’re
not being that, that produces a level of pressure inside you because the source of love you
needed to be that for, and it’s in your unconscious. It’s not a conscious thing.
So there’s a level of life and death emotional survival that shows up that says I’ve got
to overcome this. Well, there’s nothing wrong with having drive, but what it does
is it makes you be inhuman to yourself. And when you’re inhuman to yourself your man
is going to feel it because even though you don’t mean to be, and you’re one of the
sweetest souls I know, if I rub your arm like this no problem. But if you’ve got a scab
there and I touch you with a hair, a cat hair, you’re jumping out of your skin. And so
there’s scabs there from those things, it’s a horrible metaphor, but there are… there
are pieces that irritate that are there. And when someone is spiritually developed it isn’t
that they can quote scripture. It’s a nice thing to be able to do. Or that they go to
church every single day, I think those are beautiful things, but the real thing is they’re
comfortable within themselves and if when you’re comfortable in yourself then you
can give to other people and there aren’t the hooks. You’re not doing it because you
have to, you’re not doing it because it’s your identity. You know, there may be a part
of that. You’re doing it because it’s what’s real right now. And I just think
that the more we can figure that out, the more you being to understand why you do what
you do. Also I ask people, who do you really, really like a lot? And then what are the qualities
in them? And whatever you like in another person are qualities that are in you but you
have disassociated from them, you’ve disidentified with them because they didn’t match the way
you’re supposed to be. Right? In the source of love. And when you reclaim them you’re
more alive. That’s really what it is. Or I’ll say to people who do you dislike? I
know you love everyone because you’re green, beautiful, socially conscious person. But
we usually have something that we get annoyed by, pissed off by. Yeah. And whatever qualities piss you off are qualities
in you that you’ve also disidentified with. You don’t have to become a jerk, but you have
to find… if it was a taker, you’ve got to find the energy of receiving. If it’s
about domination and they’re dominant and you hate that, it’s really about you stepping
up and taking that part of your life and dominating it a little bit in an intelligent way. Whatever
energy is either annoying you, is calling you to find that part in yourself, or anything
you love in another person is actually you. In fact, how many of you at home have gotten
in a relationship sometime in the past and you were enamored for this person? They were
so passionate, they were… they were a man or woman and took the room and you loved how
they just, they were so potent or powerful or loving or playful or something. And you’re
more quiet, you’re more internal. Or you’re way out there and you loved how calm they
are compared to you. Right? The opposite energy attracts us. But then here’s what happens.
In one of my relationships, without saying who, I had a long term relationship with a
woman who was a great lady. And she met me and I’m a force of nature and she loved
I was a force of nature and I make things shit happen and I’m not much of just, you
know, hanging out. And she loved that in the beginning because it’s a part of her that
she did not see was in her that she thought that was the opposite of her. She wanted those
pieces. But if you don’t reclaim that part of yourself, the very thing you used to love
in that person you will hate. You will hate it because you have not grown and now you
blame them unconsciously. So all of a sudden, I talk loud and intensely and passionately.
That didn’t change, but all of a sudden it went from isn’t that cool to does he always
have to take charge of the thing? Does he always have to talk so loud? The very thing
she loved in me she now hated in me. Right? I’m like, “I don’t think I’ve changed.
Right? I don’t think there’s anything there.” Because she didn’t grow in that area. She
didn’t tap into that part. She didn’t have to become me, but she needed to find where
she was not the passenger, where she was the person who was taking charge at times. Not
every moment, but at times. She didn’t get the growth. That’s what makes you start
to feel that love for someone, because there’s something in them that is recognized in your
spirit that’s there and not fully developed or not reclaimed. And when it’s reclaimed
then that relationship becomes even more powerful. It doesn’t mean competitive like one is trying
to be like the other, it just… we’re all more whole. And for me, you know, simplistic
things. I sleep, you know, I eat. You know, I laugh at little stuff. I don’t have to make
everything be the most funny thing in the world. All those things came from my wife
because since I love her and I love those qualities in her I learned to appreciate them
in myself and it just made me more whole. So beautiful. Tony, you’re just an extraordinary
human and I’m so grateful we’re on the planet at the same time. Me too. For everyone watching, you have to see this
film. You will adore it. Tony Robbins: I Am Not Your Guru on Netflix now in 190 countries
around the world translated. As of this Friday, July 15th. Exactly. Watch it, you will enjoy it. And
thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me on again. Absolutely. Beautiful to be with you. Thank you. Now Tony and I would love to hear
from you. What’s the single biggest insight that you’re taking away from this conversation
today and how can you put it into action right now in your life? Now, the best conversations happen after the
episode over at, so go on over there and leave a comment now. And while
you’re there be sure to sign up for our email list and become an MF insider. You’ll
get instant access to an awesome audio I created called How to Get Anything You Want. Plus
you’ll get some exclusive content and insider updates that I don’t share anywhere else. Stay on your game and keep going for your
dreams because the world needs that special gift that only you have. Thank you so much
for watching and I’ll catch you next time on MarieTV. The important stuff. Brilliant, does my hand look ok? Tony likes
my shoes. We are good to go. From tip to toe.

Only registered users can comment.

  1. Marie and Tony! I feel the emotion that I would feel when I say, "I'm speechless" but, I don't know the correct identification for it. I feel so fortunate to have seen this today. This Wednesday will be 10 weeks since my mom died. The biggest take away I got was that up until this point I have been craving my mom's love. I didn't think that was true until now because our relationship was fairly stressful before she got sick. I had to be perfect and the best at what I did always otherwise it wasn't good enough. I couldn't be the second best. I couldn't speak my mind. When she got sick, I wanted to take care of her. I had the most knowledge about her diseases because I was trained for it. Before she died she told me she never wanted me to become a nurse. Sadly, neither did I but, there I was, doing my best to be perfect and also living with the knowledge and previous experience of what the death cycle looked like but, also doing my best to keep my shit together. I never realized that so many of my adulthood life decisions stemmed from me craving my mom's love. It makes perfect sense. This interview. A sincere thank you.

  2. What an amazing interview, so relaxed, real and personal. It would be great to meet Tony one day one on one, no pressure or rushed time and this interview allowed me to feel that way. Thank you.

  3. I have watched Tony's documentary already and this interview makes me want watch it ALL OVER AGAIN! This man is a LEGEND. I feel so so lucky to have found out about him in this lifetime! I trust I will meet him someday just to give him a hug and tell him what he's done for me… lots of love & gratitude

  4. Thank you Marie and thank you Tony for this powerful, thought-provoking interview ! So many ah-ha moments. My biggest takeaways were : When you trade your expectation for appreciation, in that moment, your whole life changes. That is so powerful for me, to always be grateful in every moment. And like you Tony, I want to live the happiest human life humanly possible, because I know in that state, I’m better for every human I can serve, including myself.

  5. I see so much praise and not any critical voice about the T. Robbins events. Guess it is influenced. To deal with suicide patients exceeds his limits. He is no doctor and this could get dangerous. I was shocked.

  6. Thank you for such insightful conversation, Tony & Marie! Resounding thoughts were about being AWARE and CATCHING our own behavioral PATTERN in every triggers or situations and making an advance CHOICE to divert or manage those THOUGHTS and perceptions or expectations. To experience a better version of ourselves, we must be decisive to break the negative pattern of reaction and lingering long on negative state. Know it coming and find ways to divert or overcome it consciously. The 90 second rule to let go of negativity is impactful long term in one's life. Opportunities to RECEIVE are ways to let others grow their GIFT of GIVING.It is in letting go…looking to learn from others and empowering them to see the good in them that improves relationships. Thanks to both of you.-AHA MOMENT, 6/13/18

  7. Absolutely amazing ! Marie, Tony you’re the best! Thanks for sharing this with us. You have made me reflect on my past in a way I was terrified to do before and I realize it was actually not as terrible as I had imagined and it explains so much about who I am today. The outcome: a clear mind, at ease with the past and focused on the future and the things I have to learn from the people around me. Thanks again! Jess (France)

  8. That I could listen to Tony all day, every day. What a lucky wife! I think his positivity is otherworldly, and his vulnerability is strength. Reminds me of the Rock. Both exceptional men. I Loved hearing him talk about Robin Williams. I wish the two Robbins would have connected to bring him peace. But even his death was a gift bc he brought more focus on the importance of mental health. Nothing but pure love for this interview.

  9. Marie you are my personal “gurú “. Thanks for bring Tony again to your show. Lessons: body can support a last change, the question about your craved love & you admire what u have & hate what u need to reclaim. Gracias

  10. Going to National Achievers Congress 2018 to see and be in Tony’s presence. This video Started that journey almost 3 years ago. Thank you Marie Forleo and thank you Erin Lanahan

  11. What was most valuable to me, and I love Tony, I’ve followed him for decades, was YOUR realization about your relationship with your significant other! I love the “replace expectation with appreciation”. That is it in a nutshell! I am ultra aware of expectations, and I have a lot of them. I feel that I sometimes have to keep my expectations high or everything will go downhill. What I love about the comment is that it is a single moment problem solver! I’m going to use that on myself and improve many future moments in my marriage, and teach it to my 20 year old daughter! That’s my biggest take away.

  12. Fantastic interview! I just watched I Am Not Your Guru last night. I found it compelling and amazing. I'm excited to watch it again.

  13. I love Tony. He’s great! But that language! Tony, I’m sorry but I can’t get past that to finish this video. You’re better than that. Lose the F bombs or you may lose another follower.

  14. OMG OMG The guy who is suicidal that was a definite life changing profound moment!! Depression is anger turned inward, I have definitely experienced those extreme lows ,myself I know with that man is going through ,sometimes we are too hard on ourselves, but with God all things are possible , you can’t live without Hope, that’s why I am on the journey that I am on! My life now Just like this video ,I’m literally retraining my brain for the better! My purpose my joy, has only come from my deepest darkest pain,if I I can cry out to God and allow him to pick me up and set me back on a straight positive path way ,then you can too!!!Tony and Marie Forleos teaching style is exactly the same,as mine,and I LOVE IT!!! That Young man because he had the courage to speak up and say I’m suicidal ,and in front of all those people WOW,that took courage,will now be forever forever changed,by this one positive interaction between him and Tony being in the right place ,at the right time, for the right reasons! I used to be ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I had mental health issues but not anymore that is my purpose.Never solve a temporary emotion with a permanent solution,such as suicide.Do I still have my ‘moments ‘ ,yes, But they are fewer and far in between, and they don’t last as long ,and I thank God for that!!! Retrain your brain,we are what we think.

  15. Thank You Thank you,Im very glad I found you,Marie,The biggest thing I learned was the things I hate in another person I have to work on those things in myself, and also literally retraining my brain and learning to have more joy ,and trade frustrations and expectations for gratitude,Im grateful you made this video!!

  16. Marie, every Tony Robbins interview is good.. but this is the best one I've ever seen you were terrific and asked great questions!! Tony, thanks for the always important reminders and new insights! Gratitude to both of you for the work u do 😀🙏

  17. Positive addiction. The ability to love life in the present while still striving for fulfillment and a magnificent life.

  18. "To raise the bar on what we call suffering so you see it for what it is and realize that you can free yourself from it"—> This is GOLD!

  19. I watched this 7 times.I love you Toni, I love you Marie. You two are magic together. But what I ADORE here is Marie's face and attitude!!! She is all of us right there.

  20. One of the most powerful YouTube videos I've ever watched, on so many levels. Watching Tony work with the gentleman stops time every time I've seen it. So powerful. You can feel the shift happen, the love, the acceptance, likely for the first time for that fella. Near the end, when Tony asks "what parent did you crave love from"…game changer. Mind blown.
    Thank you Marie for being open with Tony's questions and sharing, and thank you both for this profound interview. 🙂

  21. I CANNOT thank you or Tony enough for this!
    It was truly enlightening and I can move forward and use these tools and info to keep motivation and ground.
    Thank you!
    Thank you!
    Thank you!

  22. Tony & you Marie are amazing! Tony helped me realized something so profound about parent implanting. 🙉
    Thank you for this platform & keep doing what you’re doing! 🙏🏽✨

    Now we know that Robin Williams had gotten a diagnosis that the remainder of his health would be in perpetual, rapid, uncontrollable decline.
    You'll be forever loved, Mr Williams.

  24. The thing that you see in the other person that you love is a recognition of something inside yourself that needs to be developed within yourself, and if you find that you now hate those characteristics, it means that you have not grown in that area! CJ paraphrase… I have always wanted to know what that "love you, now I hate you" was about and what to do about it! Now I know… I am going to grow and maybe, just maybe, I will love you again Baby!

  25. Robin Williams had Lewy Body Dementia, NOT depression. PLEASE stop spreading this ugly distortion around his death. He was SOBER when he died; he had a disease that ravaged his brain.

  26. This is the worst feeling of my life. I want this to be over. I am watching my baby boy who will be 13 soon go to Ohio with his dad. I'm using Find My Device and it's like torture. I'm being ridiculous! I feel like my heart is being ripped out and I'm just making it worse. ..time for some sleep, some Marie TV and some Tony Robbins

  27. The most memorable part for me is seeing how Tony Robbins is not intimidated by challenges in the face of helping people; in fact, he thrives on them as opportunities to grow and accelerate his own progress. For example he mentions how sometimes what he tries won't work, but that this doesn't stop him because he will keep changing his approach until he prevails. This thriving on challenge is why he puts in that extra work even while he is not working to "make new distinctions" from age 18 to age 58, and it is also why, in the early stages of his career, he has said he actively sought out difficult clients. I think this is a mindset that just about everyone who has made rapid progress in an area can relate to on some level. Having a tendency to shrink from, avoid, or minimise problems and challenges in a particular area restricts our progress substantially, while having in that area feelings of commitment, excitement, and total focus in the face of those challenges sets us free to keep growing quickly.

  28. Absolutely incredible interview! Tony has obviously grown into a completely different level of human consciousness that we can all aspire to reach.
    One thing I'd like to know the answer to though…
    He said that if your a natural 'Giver' and there's always people who will want to take off you, how do you stop them 'Feeding' off you without resenting others and stopping giving??

  29. even though I’ve seen the Tony Robbins Netflix documentary already, it still made me cry to see that clip again. My favorite thing in the world is seeing someone have a powerful transformational moment like that

  30. For me, the last point he made is the new lesson. To be honest, I figured that out to some extent on my own. But he expressed it in a clear way and was a confirmation for me. I realized I adored those people who have qualities that I don't have and aspired to. But later I didn't grow into them and after a while the same person and qualities started to become source of annoyance for me. It made me jealous and so on.

  31. I have learned that in the process of living everything happens inside of you, and specially inside your head, your thoughts. So if we learn how to control our thoughts and looking at life in a different way. The road to happiness is closer that we ever imagine.

  32. Aloha,

    I believe wholeheartedly in everything in this video, but here is my struggle. I have extremely limited memories from my childhood. So many of the books and videos that I read require an insight or memory from childhood to build upon yet I can’t access those memories. So, I can guess at where these things come from but I am guessing based on other people’s perspectives or my own adult perspective. How can I access whatever memories I am blocking in order to put these concepts into play in my life? The strongest memory that I have I assume must be my earliest, but I don’t know if that’s truly the case. That memory is not a pleasant one at all. Most of the very few memories that I have are actually bad or negative. I am extremely the opposite of negative in my adult life. I try to motivate and inspire people constantly, but I would love to gain a deeper understanding of why I am the way I am and how to make adjustments in some things. Mahalo.

  33. Having met him when he first started his profession and being with him in the oneness university in Fiji. I have relearned to adore and love him. I love who he has become. I am grateful he is in the lives of millions of people. I am in the background always loving and supporting him with my very very open alive heart. Blessings. Thank you fir this podcast. Much success. Ps I to wished I would of know Robins pain. I would of loved to see if I could of helped him shift his suffering.

  34. Thank you both, you rock and inspire so many of us. What I got the most is to honour my drive to stand up and hug people and shift them the way Tony did in the documentary. I have always felt the urge to step up but at times i feel I’m not qualified, I’m not enough etc… I will no longer hide away but instead stand up and hug and talk and laugh with the people I feel the urge to do it with. Thank you

  35. Tony! … every time i listen to you there is another part of my awareness wakes up, one day i will talk to you face to face, you are the most inspiring ever born, Marie … you are an inspiration

  36. My heart is literally pounding out of my chest with joy and gratitude after watching this!!! Loved it so so much! Thank You 🙂

  37. This conversation is really amazing. A great interview, so intense.

    OBSESS about what you want. Success without fullfillment is the ultimate failure.

  38. Single insight? Bwahaha Have to process a LOT.
    But a big thanks to Marie, whom I love, trust and follow, for this poignant interview and recommending the movie. I started it before….decided quickly the title was the biggest lie, he does think he's a guru Ptttttth. I erred. And will watch it. And thanks to Tony for being yourself always! ❤

  39. Letting go of all the expectations I've been putting on myself and over my life and relationships and replacing that with APPRECIATION and opening my eyes to all the things I was letting myself be BLIND to because I was so focused on all the things my life and areas of my life lacked and had all these thoughts and ideas in my mind of what my life should look like. That's misery. I was choosing to stay miserable instead of focusing on the right things and what was right in front of me that is so beautiful and abundant. There is so much abundance around us when we choose to open our eyes and just look around. It's such a freeing thing to choose to do and thank you Marie and thank you Tony for that insight. I'm so grateful to learn from thought leaders like you both.

  40. My insight is there is “The mind”. It’s not me. Our mind is created for protecting us. Not to make us happy. So from this day, all thoughts that come to me I’ll check if it’s “the mind”. Upd: And 80% actually it is.

  41. Robin Williams had a dementia disease, he was gradually loosing his ability to rationanalise and function normally, he didn’t want to become a vegetable and loose the most important thing he had, his mind.

  42. I wouldn’t be where I am today without all the audiobooks from Tony Robbins that got me through the rough times. So great that you interviewed him!

  43. His shift with the red shoes was brilliant. He met him where he was. <3 crying absolutely beautiful. Wasn't sure about Tony Robbins. Convinced now <3 🙂 let go … yup. Why dont underestimate the quiet leaders. They understand this <3

  44. The way he looked into that guys heart and all the love you can see he brought for him brought tears to my eyes. How powerful, and what a gift these people are to so many

  45. Loved the Netflix Movie, Tony Robbins is my favourite mentor. Thanks Marie for this wonderful interview!

  46. In all things give thanks…gratitude for others and life. This to shall pass…things can change. Thank you for sharing wisdom.

  47. I know this was posted over 3 years, but I have only just come across it and have really benefited from watching this today. One of the best Tony Robbins interviews/talks I’ve seen to date. Thank you xo

  48. It is my dream to become a life coach! I love this Marie Forleo, Thanks for this. I also watch Tony Robbins and Jay Shetty videos.. How to be you? (guys)

  49. This is so beautiful and do you know what?! It doesn`t only work on humans; the shaking up I mean to get the person to come out of their hypnotic and ill state!!! To shake someting up is very powerful, and I mean literally. Yesterday a friend told me about a wonderful tree which he was gifted. This tree though had very ill yellow needles. My friend thought, that it would die for sure. An uncle I believe, gave him the advise to shake the tree up a bit. To literally use a stick and go up and down it`s stem and branches and give it a moderately hitting treatment. After that, the tree lost all his yellow needles completely and after a few days grew brand new and healthy needles!!! Isn`t that wonderful! 🙂

  50. This is probably one of the best interviews I've seen (and I've seen a few): great chemistry, flow of harmonious thought processes and mutual respect towards each other – really great. My respect and appreciation just increased a lot towards both of you. This is also possibly the nicest, most genuinely intimately friendly toned, relaxed that I've seen Tony Robbins and have to say it gives me a perspective of him that I was just looking for to connect with. It's 2019 when I'm watching this and can only thank you for creating such a timeless content for our "betterment". Sincerely, your fellow lifelong student.

  51. Hey Marie Forleo.
    Your show is so amazing
    You brought a legend on your amazing show. 🤗
    Thank you interviewing my
    Role Model.
    I watched you on podcast with Lewis Howe last time. I am so happy discovering your Channel. 😁

  52. Aha, right Toni. I practice writing every day so that is why I get the rewards of print publishing opportunities. Right now I am programing myself to write letter poems very sporadically. I naturally do in many way but I am mastering it even more.

  53. Everything Toni does I always have. Humor is a fantastic way to pull out real natural self of people. 😊

  54. so first time seeing this… having to pause at 11:30 so I can ball my eyes out about suicidal guy and IMPACT Tony had on him. I'm a coach and dream of having an impact like this on my clients because I want to help them so badly.

  55. Telling someone who is on the verge of suicide and who already is living with low self-worth and perfectionism to "Don't F*CK IT UP! in regards to their life the way Tony Robbins irresponsibly did in this video is equivalent to handing them the gun to shoot themselves as it sets them up for an even greater pressure placed upon themselves without first honoring that this gentleman was simply looking for someone to confirm him for being the loving and whole person he is without having someone acting like his guru as Tony Robbins does here when he speaks to this man like he is going to transform him. This only further validates the suicidal tendencies and the feelings of not being enough in his life. Also, why does Tony Robbins feel the need for all the vulgar profanity in his presentations? Is he trying to be 'cool' with a younger crowd, a sign of his reluctance to communicate professionally and maturely, or some deeper hurt that he still has not healed?

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