Trump Acquitted in Impeachment Trial & SOTU Fallout | The Daily Show


Today was the final day
in the impeachment trial of Donald Jambalaya Trump. And no big surprise– he was acquitted
by the Republican-run Senate, -which was never in doubt.
-(booing) Yeah, yeah. (a la Obama):
Don’t boo. Vote. -(cheering)
-See, impeachment… (cheering and applause) …was… Was– No. Like, everyone knew
where this was going. This-this was like a movie
where you can guess what was gonna happen without
even watching it, you know? Like Titanic. Okay, it’s a ship
that’s gonna sink. Or Sophie’s Choice.
Some lady has to decide which dude she’s gonna bone. I get it. I get it. So, with the outcome
never in doubt, the only really drama today
was whether any Republicans would dare vote
against Donald Trump. And it turns out
there was one man with binders full of courage. Republican Senator Mitt Romney
emotionally announced on the Senate floor
that he will break ranks and vote to convict
and remove President Trump. The president asked
a foreign government to investigate
his political rival. The president’s purpose
was personal and political. Accordingly,
the president is guilty of an appalling abuse
of public trust. With my vote, I will tell
my children and their children that I did my duty
to the best of my ability, believing that my country
expected it of me. That is shocking. (applause) That… is… shocking. Who would have thought that the most badass Republican
in the Senate would end up being
a Mormon dude named Mitt? And I got to say, Mitt, you proved everyone wrong. The haters said you were as
radical as a glass of skim milk, but they were wrong, Mitt. You’re whole milk, my man. That’s right. Whole milk, fam. (cheering and applause) And, by the way,
I like how Mitt said that he voted this way so
that he could tell his children he did the right thing. ‘Cause that’s such a white
people thing to say, right? No, white people love explaining
themselves to their children. “I couldn’t look my son
in the eye if I didn’t do the right thing.” Black parents don’t give a shit. Like, black parents
are just like, “Boy, you better not look me
in the eye. I made you.
I’m-a do whatever I’m-a do.” Now, other than Romney,
another Republican senator who was considered on the fence
was also– uh, about Trump
was Susan Collins of Maine. All right? But she decided that
we don’t need to throw Trump out because she thinks he’s
already been scared straight. REPORTER:
There are some senators who could have crossed
party lines. Senator Susan Collins
will not be one of them. I’m voting to acquit. I believe that the president
has learned from this case. What do you believe
the president has learned? The president
has been impeached. That’s a pretty big lesson. However,
during a TV anchors lunch at the White House yesterday, Trump responded to questions
about Collins’ comments, saying he had done nothing wrong and that his conversation
with Ukraine’s president “was a perfect call.” Man, Donald Trump
would be the hardest person to defend in court. He’d be like, “Your Honor, my client
has learned his lesson.” “No, I haven’t!” “His days of selling drugs
are over.” “Who wants cocaine?!” Because clearly,
Trump hasn’t learned a lesson. If anything, he’s learned that
he can do whatever he wants, and Republicans will let him
get away with it. But first, they’re gonna
shake their heads. “Mm!” So basically, thanks to Senate
Republicans, Trump is now free. He can just run through laws like he’s got that
Super Mario invisibility star. That’s what he can do.
Yeah, he’s invincible. Except Trump
is more powerful than Mario, ’cause in this case,
the turtles are on his side. -(laughter)
-Basically… basically, -President Trump…
-(cheers and applause) …is off the hook. He’s completely off the hook,
and you know what that means. He’s gonna let loose tonight,
man. He’s gonna eat 50 burgers,
bang a porn star, and then he’s gonna do
something crazy. And while Trump… and while
Trump is doing that Joker dance down the courthouse steps, the rest of the country is still
focused on the fallout from Trump’s State of the Union
speech last night. And-and-and it’s not so much
what was in his speech, but the fallout has been about what speaker Nancy Pelosi
did to the speech, and Republicans aren’t happy. A bitter, bitter Nancy Pelosi
ripping up the president’s State of the Union speech. One of the most classless things
ever done in the history
of the State of the Union. I have never seen anybody act
so childish in my life. WOMAN:
A spoiled, petulant child essentially picking her nose in
front of the American people. It’s not just the numbers
you’re ripping up. Those are people. Nancy Pelosi shredding
the memory of Kayla Mueller, shredding Tuske…
100-year-old Tuskegee Airman, shredding a little two-year-old. That’s Pelosi ripping up
the stories of these Americans. Yeah. That is so true, my friends. When Nancy Pelosi tore up a copy
of Trump’s speech, she wasn’t just ripping up
a speech. She was ripping up the memory
of the people in that speech. Those people are gone now. (laughter) That’s how paper works. (laughter) Like, one time at dinner,
the waiter ripped up my receipt, and then I was hungry again. (laughter) (applause and cheering) Now, look, man, you can argue that Nancy was right or wrong
to tear up Trump’s speech, but… but I’m sorry, guys. These people, these people,
the people that support Trump have no business complaining about breaches of decorum,
all right? Their dude is literally
the king of that shit. He puts the “dick” in decorum. Don’t come in acting like
you’re all, “I can’t believe he did this.” ‘Cause it’s kind of funny,
it’s kind of funny, though, that Republicans were so upset
with Nancy’s lack of decorum, especially because
Trump used the very same speech to bestow America’s
highest civilian honor, the Presidential
Medal of Freedom, on conservative commentator
Rush Limbaugh, right? A man, who, to put it mildly, is not known for being best. What does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? I-I love the women’s movement, -especially when walking
behind it. -(audience groaning) So “nigga” with an “a” on the end– why, I think I can now. (speaking gibberish, mocking) He is moving all around
and shaking, and it’s purely an act. If any race of people should not have guilt about
slavery, it’s Caucasians. -(audience clamoring, groaning)
-Yeah. Yeah, Rush…
Rush Limbaugh might be racist, sexist, homophobic, and mock
people with disabilities, but at least
he treats paper with respect. (laughter) So maybe that was
Nancy Pelosi’s real mistake. It’s not
that she was disrespectful. It’s that
she wasn’t disrespectful enough. See, maybe if Nancy interrupted
Trump’s speech with a racist Asian accent and
a couple of casual “N” words, instead of earning
everyone’s anger, she would have earned
her own Medal of Freedom.

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