TRY NOT TO LAUGH | Tiffany Haddish | Stand-Up Comedy

TRY NOT TO LAUGH | Tiffany Haddish | Stand-Up Comedy

I want to be somebody when I grow up I want to be I want to be I want to be a huge star not physically, but I want to be big I Want to be like the next Halle Berry Jim Carrey with that oprah Winfrey money you know mother rich Lotta people ask me. Oh tiffany. Why do you do comedy? Why are you comedy? Why why why don’t you model get a rich baby daddy or something? I’m like bitch, if comedy. Don’t work out. That’s what the f**k I’m gonna do I’mma go ahead and get pregnant collect child before it like the rest of these bitches out here f**k it. Nothing wrong with it right you do it It’s nothing wrong with it, and I’m gonna have a couple of different baby daddies. I’m gonna have like four or five different ones That’s four, five different checks coming in that’s good money Thats good money coming in I’m one of all difference. I’m gonna have each one a different race I’m definitely gon have to have me a white one because I know my checks gon come on time. I’ma probably get two of those. two white baby daddies and then get me a Hispanic baby, Daddy because he can build a house for me in the rest of theses motherf**kers We gon start out in the studio apartment. He gonna add 25 bedroom There’s going to be met our kids and all his ancestors So we gon have it poppin . Who’s the biggest celebrity that you would like to meet. that I would like to meet yeah That’s alive? You don’t want to meet somebody dead Yeah, so yeah Somebody live right now somebody alive that I can meet right now and meet like what do you mean by meet like this week? We’re always like oh, you will we help my career model Yes, Ouma Thurmond. I will fuck your 16 if it is coming about right, and I may I’ll make me some friends Amber and Samantha We’re totally hanging out right and ruin gym class, and I’m like totally like showering, and they’re like oh my God Tiffany your bush. It’s like ridiculous is like a total monkey down there. Oh my God Nobody’s going to ever eat your burger. Oh My God, no you have to get that wax. I’m like wax. What’s brush – oh my God. It’s going to be so bright It’s going to be you’re you’re going to love the way your monkey looks after that. I swear the guys So I’m like okay cool. So they take me to the spa and stuff another little asian lady come up And she put the wax on it’s all warm. I’m like. Oh, that’s mine I’m kind of cool. She put the paper on this you press down kind of my damn bitch I’ll take the pain Trouble I Walked out of there motherfucker with a faint. I don’t have white ball dance with one bar to tune it right I? hope you like design I Know you very well, and I just met you I know that you are very shy I am and and this has just decided you that’s like and whenever I get a microphone in my anything in my anything that anything You are referring you are in this business for the right to see you are your you know exactly what may be said, Mecca Empire You’re in it to win it to Empire oh for a pyre Oprah hi. How did oprah become so successful is she a role model for you? She is as you are following in her footsteps Because you are what you look at to the people? Look at how you connect with all these white folks I? know how to cross the color line That’s living with all of my people when I was in foster care daytime Shit, I can’t read Only know how to talk in fuck begging you know you can only do that for so long Y’all don’t get higher than sir the talk initiation She got that sitter you just like a nigga copyedit It’s important to suck dick so like that right man. Isn’t that important for you guys went? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I learned how to do that shit off a gay porn as I learned That be choking on it and stuff. Y’all like it wait show you how to talk a little bit on the bigger never know You won’t kill me with all this shit Even when the Asian man is a little harder you do Asian boob. I love asian dudes cuz I got magical powers Something I don’t know this is a guy guy y’all magic. He said I can’t get you know, but I can give you mathematic Y’all got superpowers men salut right here this background right here Mmmmm, hey Y’all quran and what wish y’all via to me? Chinese oh yeah, got super magic y’all got the fun choice Whoever had the first way before I girl oh my God, I got super oh my goodness The only man you don’t even have to take your clothes off and they just later And you lay down on your back and they put their hands right here over your bellybutton everything That goes in like there, and you like oh, oh, oh oh, Mr.. Kim. Oh Let me go my cue from chop suey or something his mother making some orange chicken Yeah, I’m still cute Tummy, I’m looking at me like why she got that little sparkly ass bag. What’s up? It’s a little bag That’s the cannon of the last part with her uh I carry my little pocketbooks with me everywhere. I go because Why do I mean republicans just people in general they feel? May be stealing that’s how we got here right, so I people come the two of us. That’s in here How we got here right because why people can place told us they kidnapped us we could be in Africa right now with our titties out like on Tiger fucking walking tigers mischievous We I’m here in America, and I’m glad I’m happy. I’m here I appreciate all the white people in Spanish people that sold us remember to thank you that fits you not free You sold me to this Why is black people named Pablo I? Kidnapped up to don’t don’t get it twisted One time I said that at a show on the girl going yellow I some of us was trading for beads Amira’s all of us wasn’t kidnapped. I was like bitch You was traded for beads and mirrors okay cuz no ass is ugly as hell My people were kidnapped. We are fucking beautiful, bitch Let’s not jump ahead and took They went up to y’all motherfucking chief and was like can we have some of your people he was like Yes, take all the ugly bitches give us mirror. We reflect on these ugly hoes and That is what happened Ladies you ever wear some jeans so tight when you take them off it still looked like you got jeans on and you do be Like take off your pants be like I did take off my pants be like a what’s up with the pockets in the back Motherfucker got his ass soozee. It supposed to have ripples and dance swimming and stuff. That’s what make the sound effects dummy And men let them sound effects don’t they they let at that point I? Can’t really do it with my mouth, but my ass does it great Now I’m saying it fuck they love that lady’s liver the first time he was doing the doggy style And he was liking me it dude hitting from the back and you just like oh my God you hit me like oh my God This is amazing I don’t even have to look at him or nothing This is so good. Oh my goodness Hope is no don’t look don’t fuck it up. Don’t fuck it up anything Oh my God, this is so good. Oh, oh And I don’t know the first time for me. It was so good I started to raise up like a black swan ass on my raise up on my tippy toe this shit like I and in all of a sudden And I didn’t know what to do I didn’t know whether the lab screen cry get up and fucking run the first time it happened to me I just buried my face in a pillow like oxygen threw my ass back real fast like you turn the nitro on that shit Y’all know what I’m talking about like that cleve Why don’t nobody tell you why don’t they tell you in health class that this could happen nobody tells you this? When you younger that this is possible to happen the first time to happen so you just fucking happens It’s like a surprise. They don’t sit you down the health class and go ladies There’ll be a time when you’re having sex and a man will be penetrating your vagina repeatedly and as he’s doing that he’ll be pumping air in there and Once you relax there’ll be a sound that comes out. That sounds a little something like this Don’t become alarmed. It’s natural you’re just relaxing It’ll tell you that none of your friends Tell you none of your girlfriend’s does having sex before you tell you none of your friends like girl I was doing it to hector yesterday. He had my pussy be boxing, bitch. Yeah, my feel like Tell you that Just happens and men love it when they hear that sound all it’s like magic to them is like. Oh yeah. Oh yeah That’s what Daddy want to hear so that if it’s other plumbing that So I live in a lot of different foster homes I got to move around and live with a lot of different kind of families And I’m so happy because it molded me into the person that I am today and like my very first foster family They were hispanic right so I learned how to speak Spanish in mucho, Gusto De Nada me incontinence and again so she knows tacos Papi Chulo and commend me for not sure I always have fun when I say that it makes the cup I also, learned how to make tamales and cut grass delivered babies And I can make the kids in yellow dress like an ain’t nobody motherfucking business Okay, I’m a real same street, bitch then I got to live with a Jewish family and I was afraid because the Mexicans told me what they did to jesus and Your marinate on that one But it was cool, because they were so kind to me. They do me about Mitzvahs. I had a big party I never had a party before I got circumcised it was great Now when I walk fast it feels really fucking good because there’s no hurry to my mother thing real emission bitch Anybody that knows what the clitoris is supposed to look like knows. What the fuck. I’m talking about This little jacket over at the little hood If I walk fast, I don’t need no man as well try to never Cry smile so much this last mile. It’s good being judith

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  1. So called white people kidnapped who? The first slaves imported into the Americas were so called white slaves.. Ps, 95% of so called black people, so called because obviously u r not black but brown. We were already here, we are the original Indians if this continent. U funny sis but u may want to study more precise American History b n not his-story filled with lies n bs..

  2. Talking to the "people" look how you connect to the "White folks". πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Kat Williams was right.

  3. She does the same jokes in the movies she is playing in, no matter the role. It's like she is a one trick pony. Get those coins Tiffany and save up, you never know.

  4. I like her with meat on her bones. It's cool to see how she has grown as a comedian. She deserves all the success, fame and money coming her way.

  5. I see what happened here I was baited like everyone else here except for the 5 people who think this is funny to keep this chick relevant. I know why she's being pushed and it's not cause she's real or funny. BTW didn't laugh once.

  6. People need to stop acting like they are the what's funny police. Like y'all know comedy is subjective. Saying someone isn't funny because YOU don't find it funny does not make it terrible or not funny. Just not your humor. So just move along instead of comparing her to someone else or throwing negativity out there.

  7. How am I just now finding out TH is a fuckin stunner? Hotter than 9 Hells and funny and confident as shit. Bruuuuuuuuuuh

  8. Info ignorance we bought you frum black tribes that took your people in wars your people have been slaves in africa for thousands of years i love how stupid the people of the left are.

  9. I'm sorry. She's an embarrassment because she represents all of the worst things about #ADOS black people that white people highlight. And she admits that her act is not even her. And what makes it worst is that she's not an #ADOS black women she is African which is a difference so she's not even offended by her own jokes.

    Wake up

  10. That one about the queefing had me cry laughing omfg I don’t need to do an ab workout for the rest of the year now πŸ˜‚

  11. I didn't have to try not to laugh… She corney A/F. She's for the crowd that likes Steven Harvey, T.D Jakes, Tyler Perry. Aka the Shuck N Jive Rat Pack…

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