When The Debt Collector Comes Knocking | Shayne Smith | Dry Bar Comedy

When The Debt Collector Comes Knocking | Shayne Smith | Dry Bar Comedy

I have no right
to talk bad about my mom, though. Beyond sneezing on a baby, I’m like really bad at everything. I don’t even know how debt works. I recently found that out when my dentist sent me
to collections. Yeah, my dentist sent me
to collections. The collection agency calls my phone. I answer,
’cause I don’t know who it is, and they’re like,
“Hey, we’re trying to collect a debt, “give us the money.” And I was like,
“Uh, no, you know? “No, I’m just not going to.” And he was like, “What?” And I was like,
“What are the consequences “if I don’t give you money? And he was like,
“We’re gonna make your credit bad.” And I was like,
“Not possible. (audience laughs) “Yeah, my credit’s already really bad. “My credit score is so bad, “it also has face tattoos,
do you guys? (audience laughs) “It’s so bad, ugh.” I’ve been denied
for a Best Buy card. Do you know what that, I’ve seen a bird accidentally
fly into Best Buy and leave with a card,
it’s so easy to get one. When I got denied,
the guy in the Best Buy was like, “I’m so sorry,
this has never happened before.” Like he was embarrassed for me,
you know? It was so bad,
it was so bad. And so I like,
tried to get a cell phone once and they were like,
“It’s a $1000 deposit and “then we’ll let you buy a phone.” I was like,
“I will leave here “with two tin cans and string, okay?” That’s so much money,
I don’t have that money. My credit’s really bad. It’s like,
so I’m not worried about it. So I’m like,
“Well do you have another thing?” Telling the debt collector like, “Listen I’m not worried,
do you have another thing?” And he’s like,
“We don’t have another thing.” And I was like, “Well I’m gonna go ahead and
not pay you then. “I’m gonna choose that option.” And he was like,
“This has never happened before.” (audience laughs) It’s like,
“Well, you know, “there’s a first time for everything,
so I’m gonna go ahead and “hang up now.”
And he’s like, “Have a good day, I guess?” (audience laughs) We were all very confused, it was a lot of first times
for everyone, you know? So we both hang up the phone. I call my dentist,
I’m like, “Hey, why’d you send me
to collections?” And the front desk lady answers it,
by the way. And she’s like,
100 years old and her name is Gertrude,
because of course, you know? (audience laughs) Everyone 100 years or older
has a name like Gertrude. And I’m like,
“Why are you even working there, “you’ve been out of
the teeth game forever, you know?” She’s so rude,
no one feel bad for Gertrude, okay? (audience laughs) She’s so rude. And I’m like,
“Why’d you send me to collections? “Why didn’t you just call me
and ask me to pay the bill?” And she’s like,
“I sent you letters.” I was like,
“Yeah, and I threw them away “like an adult, you know? (audience laughs) “I’m not reading your letters, Gertrude. “I’m not your sweetheart
from World War II, okay? “No one reads letters in 2017. “Text me, anything else,
you know?” (audience laughs) So she’s like, “I don’t know what to tell you,
you’re already at collections.” And I was like,
“All right, “well I guess I have to
find a new dentist, that’s weird so..” You know, that happened,
so turns out, by the way, collection agencies call me all the time and I’m just like,
‘”Listen, do you have another thing?” And they’re like,
“This is our only thing.” And then I’m like,
“Well, I’m going,” and I hang up, you know?
It’s a repeating process. Well, it turns out, collection agencies do have another thing. They have one more thing. They can send someone
to serve you papers to take you to small claims court
to get that money, okay? But here’s the thing about
serving someone papers. To serve them papers
to bring you to court, they have to get you
to admit you are who you are, okay? (audience laughs) So it’s like
three in the afternoon one day, and I hear a knock at my door, and I answer the door and
it’s this guy standing there with a clipboard,
and he’s like, “Hey, are you Shayne Smith?” And I was like,
“No, never. “What, what’s going on?” And he’s like,
“Uh, does Shayne Smith live here?” And I was like,
“I don’t know, pretty big place, “never seen anyone by
that name here, you know?” He was like,
“Looks like a very small apartment, actually.” It’s like, “You’re splitting hairs right now,
guy, you know? “What are you trying
to insult me? “What’s going on?” And that’s when I realized,
he’s standing there with a clipboard and
on that clipboard is my Facebook profile
printed out on it. So he’s seeing me see him
looking down at me with my stupid tattooed
face in the clipboard, (audience laughs) looking right back up at him,
seeing me see him. I think I said that right and it’s so awkward and
he’s like, “Okay, well if you’re not Shayne Smith, “who are you?” And it’s like three p.m,
I had just woken up. I’m not ready
to be someone else, you know? I just said the first name
that came to mind. I was like,
“Uh, Bruce Wayne? “I’m Bruce Wayne.” (audience laughs) He was not impressed,
you know? In hindsight,
I could’ve thought of a better name. So he’s standing there
looking very defeated and that’s when I realize,
I am wearing Batman pajamas. (audience laughs) Yeah, not good. And I was like… So I was like,
“Uh, is this your only thing?” And he was like,
“Yeah man, this is my only thing.” And I was like,
“So I’m gonna go now.” And he was like,
“Have a good day, I guess?” It’s like, all right. So I’m pretty sure that’s gonna
work itself out, you know? There are no consequences. I don’t know if you guys knew that. There are no consequences to debt. Like what are they gonna do,
send me to Alcatraz? Can’t. It’s been closed, thank you. (audience applauds) It’s been closed for like,
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  1. Shayne is a deadbeat. What is funny about not paying your bills. The tattoos he has does not make him cool. He is not admirable to me. I myself do not need tattoos or body piercings to make me cool. I am either cool, or I am not cool, on account of who I am. And as far as I am concerned, I don't care if I am cool or not.

  2. You know you're really in bad shape when the debt collectors call you and then apologize for you being in a bad situation and they never call back…Yes, it's true.

  3. My dad ruined my credit before I was 18. 😂 I’ve never known what it’s like to ever get a credit card or anything. So I don’t feel like I’m missing much. I’m just used to getting denied.

  4. I had a bill go to collections. The funny thing was the company OWED ME money.

    I had moved to the US, the company was in the UK so I got guys from India calling on behalf of E.ON energy UK and I was like NOPE not paying because YOU owe me. I overpaid my final bill by quite a bit when I cancelled.
    Then one day by a MIRACLE it's an IRISH guy on the phone and I explained that actually I had closed the account on X date and that by my calculations they owed me 138 GBP and they were lucky I wasn't going to charge THEM for bothering me and wasting my time. He looked at the account realised their error apologised profusely and sent me an email to the affect of "so sorry we screwed up we do owe you 138 GBP and we will be sending you a cheque for it and again so sorry"
    … then I got another call from an INDIAN debt collector and I emailed him the email from the Irish guy and they finally – after 9 months stopped calling. AND FINALLY A YEAR LATER a Cheque arrived!!!
    I didn't cash it. I just framed it. As a reminder to NEVER use E.ON Energy AGAIN!

  5. A MINUS only because of this AWFUL tatoo on the face!!! Honestly – how ignorant You must be for writing on Your face and neck like a bad 4 years old kid and then go do public venues… Really???

  6. It's sad so many people relate to this lol. H'all need to stop watching comedy and go watch some Dave Ramsey or Graham Stephan. You have to grow up someday, or be wage slaves for the rest of your lives.

  7. Good to know I have been playing the same female character for 2 years now so I can easily fake the female voice and when they come over I just tell I changed my name and I’m gay

  8. He is broke, has a bunch of tattoos, has no money for dental work and has zero credit. Sounds like a good client for jail…I’m sure he will have a more vibrant social life there

  9. A lawyer once got me to serve my own mother papers. She was at work and he seemed pretty important so I admitted she lived there and took the papers. She was not happy when she got home.

  10. What a shock. He uses services and doesn’t pay and thinks it’s funny. I’ve had sooo many people like this apply for jobs and if you don’t hire them they get awful and if you do … oh the world of hell you will face. I’m sure there are exceptions. Lots. But disfiguring yourself in a permanent, I. Your face, look at me, all about me, me me me way is in fact a red flag

  11. This guy is awesome! He has one of the best deliveries I have ever seen. So relatable that he makes face tattoos seem less menacing. 😂

  12. If you can't be served the court will just issue summary judgment, but even then it's hard for them to actually get the money. Like the court says you have to pay them and they can try to get your wages garnished or your tax refund but usually small claims is just a last ditch effort to scare you into paying

  13. Yeah, you're even bad at mimicking a millennial hipster with those atrocious conformity marks.

    Shocking you have bad credit.

  14. No consequences to debt. Cant get a car, an apartment, a home, a job that pays above minimum wage…

    So yeah, if youre good being homeless and schleping from dive bar to dive bar working for $20/a night in cash.

    Love dirt bags that extol their lives as if they are somehow cheating the system.

  15. Well, it may be "clean," but it doesn't seem any more "funny" than the other kind of comedy. Most of which is not all that funny.

  16. Hes not funny because of what he's saying. He's funny because hes made such bad tatoo decisions. You could mute the video and it would literally be the same amount of funny

  17. "Dry Bar "Explains alot because u would have to be drunk asf to find this funny🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

  18. See that's where the server says "Alright, well have a good day Mr. Shayne Smith" then turns around pretending to go away just waiting for acknowledgement. The second he says have a good day he turns back around and says "You've been served, Mr. Smith, have a good day".

  19. If you don't pay your debt in NZ and it goes to debt collection, they will contact your employer to make deductions from your wages

  20. Learn english instead of the word Like Like Like i was Like he was Like .. you are talking the same as a Autistic child with a iq of 70

  21. This was funny when he did a few years back. Back then, he wouldn't mess up his punch lines or rush his setups, hope he has something new…

  22. Great bit.

    My sister In law got a bunch of credit cards, maxed them all out and then moved out of the country. When she visits collection people come around but they can't do anything. Think she owes at least 10 grand.

  23. I know lots of broke people that are covered in tattoos I can't afford. But I do have a house, cars, motorcycles and lightening fast internet….so yeah. I guess I could spend some time in Alcatraz and get some sweet face tattoos, but I'd rather have a good dentist. Like his stuff though. Funny guy.

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