I appreciate it. It’s a nice
place, nice space you got here. Cool scene, a balcony.
Cool town you live in. My first time here I saw down
the street there was a New York style pizzeria which is kind of
a coincidence because I was in I was in New York and there
was a Provo style pizzeria [ laughter ] Am I pronouncing
it correctly? Pizzeria? Is that how you
say it? I’m curious about this crowd. A little survey by round of
applause. How many and plan on partying all night long tonight
by a round of applause. [ applause ] And how many want to be in bed
by eleven thirty. [ loud applause ] I see I get it. Those are
the same people who got naps this afternoon, right? Two naps, some of you. I got a little nap
this afternoon watch till I fell asleep watching a football game
that I didn’t care too much about. Now you know how is it watching
the game. I was watching the game
of the players was 6’1″ 208 pounds. Which is exactly what I am. I had no idea I was in such
great shape. Might try out for the Broncos
next year, something like that. I was a good athlete when
I was younger. I was a quarterback.
I thought I might make it to the pros a lot of people
thought I might make it to the pros but I blew my
knee out when I was in kindergarten. Just had to switch gears.
Change careers. I remember my first day
of kindergarten I was thinking about it the other day it’s been
a long time but I still remember. Does anybody else remember that? Yeah. You were there?
You were at my first day of kindergarten. That’s right you haven’t changed
a bit. Little bit taller but. You know I remember my mom
she didn’t tell me anything. No I got no… She just said,
she said get in there they’re going to feed you a little
bit later. That’s all she told me.
I didn’t know what was going on. They started teaching
the alphabet. I thought they were reading off
the menu. A is for apple.
No. B is for banana.
Not interested. C is for Cake. Cake. D is for dog. What the heck kind of place
is this. I don’t want to eat dog. E is for elephant I don’t
want that either. I know the answer to the first
question I was kind of scared.
I just sat there quiet The teacher asked me a question
I just sat there scared and she came up and
started screaming at me The first day she’s going, “Are
you, are you dense?” Just tell us are you
dense or what?” I said, “It’s pronounced Dennis. Get it right.” Then at the end of the day
there’s an announcement over the loudspeaker said all
pedestrians get to leave five minutes early. The teacher
comes up says, “Dennis you’re a pedestrian aren’t you?”
I said, “No I’m not. I’m a a Catholic but if I can get out
five minutes early I’ll convert to pedestrianism.” I will convert I didn’t like school.
I never liked school. I didn’t do that well in school.
I was kind of a slow reader. You might be a slow reader and
you don’t even know. This is how I can tell tell if
you are when you go to the movies and the film begins
with like that written description of what happened in
the past. Do you get like a little
anxiety attack? ‘Cause you don’t know how long
it’s going to be up there. Like at home if you rent the
movie you’ll put it on pause. I might even rewind this one
and read it all over again. You know Star Wars they begin,
it begins like that but that’s the rolling words where
everybody’s going, “Oh man I’m not getting any of this. A long time ago,
another galaxy there was some
space people or something.” I could never read all
the books I was given to read in class. I was always taking those tests
on books I haven’t even read. The teacher wants to know
if you read the books. She’d ask questions like, “Who
helped Tom build the canoe?” We’ll try for partial
credit here. How about Tom’s friend. I’m sure Tom had a
friend in the book. Why wouldn’t you help
them build the canoe? If he was a good friend he would
have helped him out. I love taking tests.
You remember stuff like this? Who won the Peloponnesian War? The Peloponnesian people. The people of Peloponnesia. You know what else am I going
to put. One time as a little kid I got
an F on my report card and I changed it before I got home. I was stupid. I got caught. I should’ve just changed it to a
B but I changed to an F+. [ laughter ] Tried to pull my average
up a little bit. VO: Subscribe to Dry Bar Comedy VO: for even more of the world’s largest
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