When You’re Turned On by “Scared Straight” – Dewayne Perkins – Stand-Up Featuring

When You’re Turned On by “Scared Straight” – Dewayne Perkins – Stand-Up Featuring


– My name is Dewayne Perkins. I am a poor, gay, black man. Technically if I were
to prioritize it, it’d be black first, because that’s what you
see when you see me. And I would put poor before gay, simply because I would pretend
to be straight for money. (audience laughs) Love dick, but love financial
stability more. (laughs) You know how some straight
men are gay for pay? I am straight for
the right rate. (audience laughs) The thing is I think
that homophobes have been doing it
wrong the whole time, they should’ve
been offering money instead of things like
conversion therapy. Quick sidebar about
conversion therapy. Does anybody remember the show and program, “Scared Straight?” (audience cheers) Yeah, dope, so it was
like a little program that used to send little
urban kids to visit jail so that they can see the
life they don’t want to have. My mother sent me to that
when I was very young, ’cause she thought
it was a place that did conversion therapy. But it backfired pretty hard, ’cause it was just a bunch
of thugs yelling at me, and me realizing that’s
what I was into sexually. (audience laughs) They were like, “Hey, do you
want to be up in here with us?” And I was like,
“Maybe, I dunno.” (audience laughs) “Don’t tease me. “I am young and impressionable.” (audience laughs) – [Audience Member] Yas! – Oh my god, yas.
(audience laughs) Wow, I love that you
guys are like, “He’s gay. “He’s a safe one.”
(audience laughs) But yes, homophobes have
been doing it wrong. They’ve been using
conversion therapy and that does not work. You know what would work? If a homophobe were to
come up to me and be like, “Hey, Dewayne, if you
stop doing gay shit, “I will pay your student loans.” I’d be like, “Absolutely,
pass me that plate of vagina.” (audience laughs) I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I have eaten it before, and yes the texture
is unsettling. (audience laughs) It’s like a very soft mango
that’s been through a lot. (audience laughs) So I’ve become
religious recently. Because I realize
that homosexuals are the chosen people of Christ and heterosexuality is a curse. (audience laughs) Why do you think gay
men are so cute and fine and straight men are
always killing people? (audience laughs) Sidebar, speaking of
straight men killing people, there’s been a lot of
mass shootings recently, and we are living in
a very scary time. The thing that I hate most
about mass shootings is that I think it takes away
your right to choose where you want to die. I was shopping the other day, and I just kept having
this anxious feeling that I was like, “What if somebody comes in
here and starts shooting?” I just kept thinking
how mad I would be to die in a fucking Marshalls. (audience laughs) Because I knew that
when I went to heaven all the gays that were shopping
at Nordstrom would drag me. (audience laughs) Oh boy. So next month will
make my one year of living in Los Angeles,
thank you so much. (audience cheers)
Thank you, thank you. It has been just okay but.
(audience laughs) Ups and downs is how
the world go around. But I lived in New York
City before I lived here, which is a bad place
full of bad people. (audience laughs) But I do have great
memories there. (laughs) (audience laughs) I had my first
writing job there. I was writing on this show, it was a late night show,
the host was a white woman. It was a really great
show, I loved it. But when I first
started working there I kept getting notes
from the producers that I had to write
more in her voice, because if she said the
things that I wrote, she’d sound like a bigot. And I was like, “What?” Are you saying
she can’t say that Trump’s a punk ass,
bitch ass, nigga? And then I was like, “Oh my
god, I heard it.” (laughs) (audience laughs) Oh shit. Nah, she shouldn’t say that. I will take your note. So I took the note and I
really started practice and perfect my
white woman voice, my white woman perspective, my white woman point of view. So much so that it started to
seep into my everyday life, and I found myself transforming
into a white woman. (audience laughs) For example, this morning I
was sitting at a Sweetgreen, looking at crystals on Etsy, and the worker asked me what
kind of dressing I wanted on my salad, and I was like, “Chardonnay, ’cause I’m quirky.” (audience laughs) I went to go sit down,
they brought me my salad, that I ordered with croutons,
there were no croutons, so I was like, “Excuse me,
can I speak to your manager?” (audience laughs) When they told me the
manager wasn’t there, I blacked out in anger. (audience laughs) And then I woke up at
a T.J. Maxx. (laughs) (audience laughs) I was like, “Whoa, these
prices are so affordable.” Then one of the workers ran
up to me and she was like, “What are you doing? “The cops are on their way.” And I was like, “Who the
fuck called the cops?” And she was like, “You did.” And I was like,
“Transformation complete.” (audience laughs) And then for good measure I
fucked a black man. (laughs) My parents were also
disappointed. (laughs) (audience laughs) But I don’t want
you all to think that I don’t like white people, ’cause I do. I have a white friend.
(audience laughs) And the other day they
told me that Harrison Ford and Richard Gere are
different white men. What?
(audience laughs) Who would’ve known? Who would’ve known? I’m going to leave you
with something personal, because I really want
you to know who I am. This is my coming out story. It’s very personal, so I really, basically, you’re welcome. (audience laughs) So I grew up on the
South Side of Chicago and I came out when I was 17. But I knew that
coming out would risk losing people that
were close to me. But at that time in
my life I was like, “You know what? “So be it.” I have four sisters
and my parents. That’s who I wanted
to come out to. I was too afraid to tell
my sisters in person, so I just sent
them a group text. And all it said was,
“Hey, guys, I’m gay.” Then one of them wrote back,
“Yeah, that makes sense.” (audience laughs) And I wrote back, “What
is that supposed to mean?” Then she wrote, “You wear a lot of cowboy
boots in the summer.” (audience laughs) And I replied, “I just like
the sound of clacking.” (audience laughs) And then I wrote, “Oh, there
it is, I see what you mean.” (audience laughs) But I was so mad, ’cause I was
expecting them to abandon me. I was going to use that trauma
to create art in the future. (audience laughs) They deprived me of that. So I was like, “You know what? “I’m going to come
out to my mother, “’cause she’s crazy Christian.” I was, again, too afraid
to tell her in person. I wrote her a letter
and I went to school. I’m sitting in class and I
get a text message from her. And all it says is, “I wouldn’t care if
you were a green alien, “I will love you
no matter what.” And was like, “What the fuck
does that mean?” (laughs) (audience laughs) I was going to use whatever
fucked up thing she said as the prologue to my memoir.
(audience laughs) So I go home, ’cause I know
she has something else to say, she’s a sneaky bitch.
(audience laughs) She calls me into the bathroom, she’s sitting on the toilet,
we have close relationship, I sit on the edge of the tub, she looks me in the
eyes and she says, “I love you. “But you know you’re
going to hell, right?” And I replied, “You’re divorced, so are you.” (audience laughs) And we looked at each
other for a very long time. And she took a deep
breath and she said, “You got me there.” And I was like, “Yes,
I did.” (laughs) The gay comes quick. I’m sassy. And I was like, “Dope, I’m
an out homosexual man.” I met my first
boyfriend that summer. My nephew had a birthday party, brought him to the
party, normalized it all. It was great. Then on my way home I got a
text message from my father. And he was like,
“Who was that guy?” I wrote back, “That
was my boyfriend.” And he wrote, “You’re gay?” And I wrote, “Oh my god,
I forgot to tell you.” (audience laughs) And he wrote, no joke, this
is exactly what he wrote, “It’s okay. “Just don’t get AIDS.” And I replied, “Yeah, you neither.”
(audience laughs) And then he wrote,
“You got me there.” And I was like, “Yes, I did.” (logo chimes)

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